The letter that did not burn
by Micelle
Summary: Osomatsu had this wonderful dream. In this dream his brothers were all there beside him and they played baseball in space! But no matter how real the dream felt like or how fun it was, he could still not run away from the reality that they were all separated and the letter did not burn.
1. Chapter 1: She called him

Matsuyo gently peeked inside her son's room only to be met with the same scene again. Her eldest son, Osomatsu, was in the middle of the room with his back on the floor and eyes straight to the ceiling.

"Osomatsu?" His mother called, "it's time for lunch."

But there was no response from him, not even the tiniest movement that could tell her that he knew she was there. She turned around and went down, knowing that she would have to separate his meal again today. She already knew that her son would not be joining her at all.

It has been a week since Ichimatsu left without even a single word. When she asked Osomatsu about it, she merely talked to the wind.

She was worried about him, but her words failed to reach him every single time.

He barely ate. He didn't go out anymore, not even to gamble. His eyes looked blank as they stared at nothingness, focusing on a something she could not see. There were times that she would hear him talk, but when she rushed to his side and saw him facing the wall, she knew that it was not her he was talking to.

But that was not the worse of it, because she swore, just recently, she had heard him laugh loudly to himself.

That's when she decided to call him, Choromatsu, hoping that he can knock some sense into his older brother. Though they departed on a sour note, she knew how close they really were and maybe… just maybe… if they fix this rift between them, the darkness that surrounded their household would fade away as well.

Choromatsu arrived in front of their house after work. It was already dark and he looked so tired. But he was worried. He knew that his mother was on the verge of tears when she talked to him over the phone. There was something terribly wrong with Osomatsu and even his parents did not know what to do anymore.

Choromatsu swallowed. He did not want to do this. He did not want to go back home yet. A part of him felt that it was still too early and he had nothing proven at this point, coming home was embarrassing. But another part of him felt that this was all just a part of Osomatsu's plan to bring him home. He did not want to fall for that .

His mother told him what happened when he arrived. She started from when he left. He knew that everyone left after him, but only now did he feel how tragic it was. In just a few months, the once rowdy house turned too quiet for anyone to bear.

Matsuyo saw how her son's eyes changed as she told him what happened. At first he was just worried for her, but when she told him how Ichimatsu left and how Osomatsu had been behaving, she saw guilt even more than sadness or worry.

Choromatsu marched up to their room and opened the door too loudly. He was announcing his return to him.

He saw Osomatsu on the floor in the middle of the room. His hands were at his side and his eyes to the ceiling. Even with all the noise he just made, Osomatsu did not acknowledge him.

However what made Choromatsu grit his teeth was the sight of his older brother's smile. He was looking at nothing, but was obviously smiling to himself.

Choromatsu shook his head and stomped his way in, still insisting his presence.

"OSOMATSU!" he shouted.

He knelt down and picked him up by the collar.

"What do you think you're doing? Mom is very worried about you." Choromatsu continued. He shook him as he spoke, just to make sure he could wake him up.

Osomatsu's eyes still stared to the abyss, but after a few more shake Choromatsu saw how his brother's eyes rolled towards him and slowly focused. The lazy smile on his lips widened into a larger grin.

"Hey Chorofappsky!" His voice sounded the same. It was as if nothing happened.

"You little shit – " Choromatsu said, reacting to the nickname.

"We'll try again with the invitational this year right?" Osomatsu continued, cutting Choromatsu's words.

"What?"

"The invitational, silly. I know we died in space but that won't stop us from doing it all again. We can call the whole gang and form the team again. This time we'll be more merciless than the last! We can even call Akumatsu. AH! Why didn't we think of that last time….yes… we'd really be invincible if he's around."

Choromatsu slowly let him go in the middle of his crazy rambling. Osomatsu sat on the floor, unperturbed and continued to speak.

Choromatsu watched as Osomatsu sat there formulating plans of this 'invitational' he spoke of. His older brother looked so happy and energetic, despite the bag under his eyes and dryness of his skin. His hair was unkept as well and his clothes looked like he had worn them for days. His voice was a bit hoarse, as if he had never talked in length before.

When Choromatsu looked at him even more carefully, he noticed that he seemed to be thinner than the last time he saw him.

"Nee~ Choromatsu, are you listening?" His brother called to his attention.

Choromatsu snapped and stopped staring. He gave him a weak smile and replied, "yes, Osomatsu-niisan."

"Like I was saying, bigger guns and bigger bats!" He explained as his hands limply waved around emphasizing the size of the imaginary items.

Choromatsu sat down beside him and this time he listened. He looked worriedly at him, but every time Osomatsu turned his eyes towards his direction Choromatsu would fake a smile and give the appropriate response. How many times had they played this game before? And how many times was Choromatsu swept away by the fanciful tales his older brother had weaved for him?

In the end, Choromatsu had no idea what this 'invitational' really was. It was some kind of deathmatch slash baseball. It was wild and random, like how they were as siblings.

Choromatsu found himself laughing at some things Osomatsu said. He nodded in agreement and even gave suggestions. He could not help himself —it seemed so fun. It looked so fun!

Too bad, it was only inside his older brother's head.

"He's been like that ever since he read your letter." He remembered his mother's words to him.

"Hey, Osomatsu-niisan." Choromatsu called, not really expecting anything from him.

But Osomatsu stopped talking and looked at Choromatsu. With his grin still on his face he responded, "Yes?"

"I never got a response. I was waiting for it the whole time, you can't even imagine how I lost sleep thinking about how you'd reply… but your letter never came."

Every word of it was true. Choromatsu was worried about what his brother would say after he left them and moved on. He had been thinking about it ever since he was composing his words and even until now that he was sitting beside his eldest brother. He had never stopped worrying.

That was why, whether this was a bad timing or not, Choromatsu wanted to ask about it. To have "something" he could hold on to as a reply.

However, Osomatsu tilted his head to the side and furrowed his brow in thought, "What are you saying?"

Choromatsu's eyes widened, unbelieving of what he heard, "Remember? My letter?"

Osomatsu then burst out laughing.

"That stupid thing? It never arrived here. I burned it even before you could mail it to me."

Choromatsu had no idea what he was talking about. He successfully mailed the letter. His mother confirmed that the letter arrived safe and sound. She also told him that she saw Osomatsu read the letter.

The very thought of it made Choromatsu tremble. He bent over with his hands shaking.

Osomatsu slowly stood up and walked closer to him. He easily towered over him. A hand then went to Choromatsu's shoulder.

"Don't worry about that…" Osomatsu's grip on him felt strong.

Choromatsu looked at his brother's hand and how desperate that grip felt. The grip might not be painful but the guilt inside his heart started to become more and more unbearable.

Choromatsu knew he caused this too.

Choromatsu looked back up to Osomatsu with shoulders slightly trembling. His older brother looked serious.

Osomatsu's eyes widened as he looked down darkly at Choromatsu. All the younger could do was look at his older brother helplessly. Choromatsu stared deep into Osomatsu's eyes and saw the light fading from it.

Slowly Osomatsu smiled at him, a twisted grin with unfocused eyes.

Right there and then Choromatsu knew that his brother was not looking at him. He felt his gut churning when he realized that his brother could no longer see him.

"The invitational is much more important."


	2. Chapter 2: She saw him

Todomatsu's eyes opened wide and he sat up instantly.

It was another nightmare. He could not remember when was the last time he had a peaceful sleep. It felt so long ago.

His hands crept to the side but was just disheartened when his fingers touched the end of the futon. He was still not used to having such a small one. Before, his fingers could stretch and stretch and still had endless fabric around him. Their bed was big.

But of course most of the times he did not have to stretch around that much, he only had to move a bit to his left or right and his hands would immediately find one of his brothers.

This time though, nothing. He had no one.

No hands to hold to help him calm himself. No shirt to grip to make the nightmare go away. No older brother to wake to talk about it.

Todomatsu pulled his legs to his chest and had no other choice but to calm himself. There was no one else around him so he had to chase his own nightmare away. He had no more older brother beside him, so he had to keep it to himself.

Todomatsu took his phone beside his pillow and typed on the screen. Because of the nightmare, he did not want to go to work today, so he informed his boss about it.

He sighed. Would it be always like this?

With all the strength he had in him, he stood up from the futon and get ready for a long heavy walk.

.

This was not part of the plan. Todomatsu knew that. He was supposed to live independently away from them. He should not come back and stalk his own home, hoping to get a glimpse of any of his family members.

This was not the plan. This was not that independence he was going for.

But could he blame himself for longing for his mother's care? For his brother's protection? For the happiness and love that he could only find within the walls of that small house?

He missed it. He missed them all so much.

He saw his mother going outside. She had her bag with her and looked like she was on her way to buy groceries.

Todomatsu decided that it was enough for today. Just the sight of his mother calmed him… that was enough.

He turned to go. Tears in his eyes, he tore himself away from that scene.

"Todomatsu."

He froze upon hearing the voice. He slowly turned around and saw his mother standing before him.

She had seen him.

"You know that you can't hide like that for long. I knew you were there all along."

Todomatsu swallowed. His face felt warm and he knew that his eyes were starting to water. In order to stop himself, Todomatsu pulled a sly smile and kept his emotions under control.

"I knew that mom, where do you think I got my slyness from?" He said with a raised brow and cocky grin.

His mother smiled and giggled. Her son was still adorable as ever.

"Since you caught me, might as well ask…" he started, "how are you and dad?"

His voice turned gentler at the question. The sly grin gone and his eyes showed concern. Todomatsu was in the brink of crying but he was still holding it in.

"We are fine. We're happy for you and all your brothers. You all make us so proud..."

His mother started crying and he felt like his heart crushed. Todomatsu clenched his fist and gripped tightly. Must. Not. Cry.

"I'm glad to hear that."

Todomatsu looked down. He was afraid to ask the question. He still had so many things left unanswered but this was the most important query of all.

"Mom… how is Osoma-"

"Way to go Totty!"

Osomatsu's loud cheer suddenly erupted from upstairs, stopping Todomatsu from speaking. Both of them looked up at once, knowing clearly whose voice that was.

Todomatsu widened his eyes in a mixture of surprise and glee. He looked at his mother again.

"That Osomatsu-niisan. I guess he caught me too, huh." Todomatsu said playfully. His heart was glad.

But Matsuyo was just terrified. She knew better.

Todomatsu was already walking towards the house when his mother stopped him from going further.

"Did Choromatsu tell you anything?"

Todomatsu shook his head. "Nope, haven't talked to any of my brothers."

"Then I should tell you… Osomatsu is not well. Your brother have been having a hard time accepting all that has happened. You need to understand him."

"Totty!" Osomatsu called again.

Todomatsu dismissed the warning. Clearly Osomatsu knew he was here. If his older brother's voice sounded as happy as that then Todomatsu knew that he was already forgiven and accepted. It was always like this. When they fought before, they gave it time and all would be back to normal after a few days.

This was the same thing.

Todomatsu continued to walk inside the house with his mother following closely behind him. There was a certain lightness in his steps and he seemed to be even skipping across the house. He had pulled away from his mother in just a few more steps.

Matsuyo followed him up the stairs. She felt how old she really was when Todomatsu was further away from her.

She was already halfway up the stairs when she heard Todomatsu's footsteps halted. She hurried up, worried at how her youngest would react when he saw his oldest brother.

"Osomatsu-niisan…" Todomatsu whispered, "I'm home…"

There was the initial shock in his face. A few seconds of pause in order to register what was happening.

Osomatsu looked thin. His eyes were glassy and the circles under his eyes were dark. His hair was all over the place. But that was not the thing that shocked Totty, it was that Osomatsu was laughing all the while facing an empty part of the room.

"Heh. You did? Amazing Totty!" He exclaimed happily.

"No." Todomatsu could feel his heart drop.

He was right there but his brother was looking at an empty space. He was right there! " **No.** "

Todomatsu ran towards Osomatsu, sitting on the the place he was looking at.

"I'm home oniisan. I'm here." Todomatsu said as gentle as his shaking voice could muster.

Osomatsu laughed again.

Todomatsu held his brother's face between his hands as he moved closer to him. He forced Osomatsu to look at him, to realize that he was in front of him.

"It's me Osomatsu-niisan. Todomatsu… Totty?"

Osomatsu's eyes widened, too wide that it reminded him of Jyushimatsu.

"Totty! You throw like a wimp! Put some more muscle into it."

Todomatsu furrowed his brows, "What are you saying?"

Then he finally noticed it. Todomatsu followed Osomatsu's gaze and even stepped aside to confirm it. He was looking directly through him. Even after all that Osomatsu did not see him at all.

"More muscle! Hustle hustle Totty!" He cheered, causing the youngest Matsu more pain.

"Who are you talking to?" Totty asked, his eyes lowered and his fist clenched.

"Ahhh. Just a little more..."

"I'm right here idiot." Todomatsu's shoulder started to tremble.

"You can do it Totty!"

"Please stop. STOP IT. " His voice finally broke.

"Amazing! That's my Totty!"

 **"But I'm your Totty!"** Todomatsu shouted with fresh tears pouring from his eyes.

Todomatsu stood up and lifted his hand higher, ready to deliver a powerful slap.

Instantly he recalled that day when he hit his brother with the magazine. How his brother angrily looked at him and suddenly answered him with his fist.

The memory flashed in front of his eyes for a split second, but it was enough to hold him back.

Todomatsu stopped, his hand in mid-air.

"You're so unfair Osomatsu-niisan. Stop… stop making another…" He swallowed, "..another me... inside your head…"

Todomatsu found it hard to breathe and even harder to push the words stuck in his throat. He was crying. The tears flowed continuously. There was a heavy lump in his chest that seemed to be getting heavier by the minute. Todomatsu's shoulders were shaking when he pulled his hand down and placed it to the side.

He looked at Osomatsu, blurred by the tears that couldn't seem to end.

" **I'm** your Totty… I'm your **only** Totty. No one can take that away from me!" Todomatsu shouted in his brother's face.

He was starting to get hysterical. But through tears and screams, Osomatsu did not respond to him at all.

Todomatsu cried even more, "Look at me oniisan! I beg of you. Look at me!"

Todomatsu felt someone's hand from behind him. He turned around and saw his mother's crying face. Only then did he realize that his mother was watching the whole time.

The sly smile that he used to wear like a mask vanished and crumbled at his feet.

Todomatsu was not used to being rejected like this. He was the most socially adept in all the brothers, their little social butterfly that knew how to stand out and act normal in society. He was not like Jyushimatsu who had his own pace, or Ichimatsu who thought of himself as trash, or Karamatsu who was not bothered by being ignored. He could make plans of his own and ignore his brothers but the brothers could not ignore him.

He was sly. Using his charms and status as the youngest, he gets what he wants and can easily do whatever.

Sure they bully him from time to time, that's what you get from having five weirdos for older brothers — that's what they do.

But all the while, he had his brothers eyes on him. When they didn't know about the mountain thing they all asked him about it and put him at the center of attention. Even when he didn't want it and tried to run away from it, his brothers would find him and look at him.

So this was different. This was painfully devastating. Todomatsu could feel his knees weakening as he used his mother's embrace as support.

He was helpless, pushed back to being a little boy again as he clung to his mother. He embraced her tightly and buried his crying face in her chest.

"It's not fair mom…" He cried hard with a voice fading and out of breath, "not fair…"

"I'm his Totty… I'm the only one…"


	3. Chapter 3: He visited them

Karamatsu did not understand the words that his youngest brother told him over the phone. They were all garbled and messy in between his cries.

"Ok I understand." Karamatsu said, "now can you go about it slooowwwly…"

"Stop being an idiot shitty-niisan and get your ass right here!" Karamatsu heard his youngest brother shout.

He smiled because he was just glad that Totty had stopped crying even for a bit.

"Got it."

The next morning, Karamatsu hurriedly packed his things while Chibita watched him. The smaller man followed him around the house as he picked up his things and stuffed them in his bag. He was just everywhere, trying to make sure he did not forget anything else.

"I thought you said that you needed to go away because it will ruin you and your brothers or something like that..."

Karamatsu's hand paused. He had feared this. The feeling of being left behind, being the last one out. He knew this was coming and that was why he had to move away, to escape that kind of mental torture and depression. He did escape it. He managed to run away and pretend to be a normal member of society; he kept failing at it but at least he had pulled himself up from that pit of despair. His older brother on the other hand...

"We already ruined each other whether I stay here or not." Karamatsu stood up and picked up his bag, "We destroyed him, Chibita. I failed to realize that what we were doing could drive him to this. I was so stupid and so insensitive. I was too naive and reliant on him that I was fooled by that grin he always wore around us."

Karamatsu opened the door. Chibita looked confused, he did not really know what was happening.

"I failed him. I destroyed him by failing as the second brother. By leaving him when he needed me to support him." Karamatsu continued with his words.

It was the same as when Karamatsu suddenly appeared in front of him that day. Whatever was happening in their house it must be very serious. It was not something free oden could fix. So Chibita, as their friend, just smiled and bid Karamatsu all the best.

.

.

.

Karamatsu watched Choromatsu stepped out of the cab. Karamatsu had been waiting in front of their house the whole morning.

Chromatsu was seated beside the driver and was the one who took care of the fare. He rushed to the door and opened to let the passengers behind him go out. Matsuyo went out first followed by Osomatsu that was assisted carefully by Todomatsu.

His brother looked dead tired. There were still dark circles around his puffy red eyes. His cheeks shrunk as his clothes looked baggier than before. He had lost some weight. He was awake but his eyes were on the floor the whole time with Todomatsu as his only support to stay up. The youngest struggled, technically just dragging Osomatsu with all his strength.

Karamatsu ran towards his brothers. He helped Todomatsu and assisted Osomatsu on the other side.

"Choromatsu, what happened?" He asked, his voice did not even attempt to mask his worry.

"Let's talk inside."

The whole family walked inside. One look at everyone's faces and he knew this would be a long talk.

Inside, the brothers sat at the table downstairs, while their mother stayed beside Osomatsu in the siblings' room.

Karamatsu listened quietly while Choromatsu talked. He told his older brother what he saw and heard when their mother called him. Today, they brought Osomatsu to the hospital for his checkup. Like Choromatsu expected, Osomatsu needed therapy. He was also given medications to calm him to sleep, vitamins and other drugs that Choromatsu had never heard before.

"So what are your plans now?" Karamatsu asked both his brothers.

"I moved back here. It's a bit further from my parttime job but it's ok. I also took the night shift so I can take care of oniisan in the morning." Todomatsu said quite cheerfully. He was obviously trying to lighten up the mood.

"I called Dr Dekapan and he said that Jyushimatsu is still out of town due to a job assignment. He'll be back after a few more days." Choromatsu added, "I had no idea how to contact Ichimatsu though."

Karamatsu nodded and shared his plans as well, "I can stay here too while I still continue job hunting. I still haven't landed a job yet but I hope to find something nearer."

Choromatsu nodded.

"How about you?"

"I think I'll resign for now and move back here. Osomatsu-niisan might need me."

Karamatsu furrowed his brows, "Totty'll be here in the morning and I'll be here during the rest of the day. You don't even have to move back in, even more resign."

"I understand. But I need to be here beside him especially when it was my fault in the first place… why... he's like this." The sentence was so hard to say with all the guilt building up in his throat.

Karamatsu eyed Choromatsu carefully. He did not like it. The way his younger brother hunched his back and bowed down, the burden looked heavy on his shoulders. The way his eyes looked worried and angry at himself. The way Choromatsu's frown seemed more heartbreaking than it was ever before.

Choromatsu always wanted to prove himself that he could be a better man, but when he did, Osomatsu just had to turn into something like that. What he did was not wrong, but all the repercussions had proved it otherwise.

All that. Karamatsu did not like it. His brother could not just give up like that. This was not his fault alone, so he would not let Choromatsu fall...not on his watch.

"Of course it's just so easy to say that you're doing this for your brother but in the end you're still running away." Karamatsu said quite strongly.

"I am not running away. I just… wanted to be here as well."

"And leave your job? And abandon everything you worked hard for? After gathering courage and finally having the strength to step out of your comfort zone and be independent… you're gonna crawl back in here again?"

"What do you want me to do?" Choromatsu barked back, "It's all my fault!"

"It isn't." Karamatsu said, standing up. "And being a NEET again won't solve anything. What's done is done. You can't just go back to being the old you again and expect Osomatsu to get better when he sees that. The only way to go is forward."

Choromatsu had stood up as well. "He needs me to be here !"

"Do not use Osomatsu as an excuse. It's not like you can't go forward without helping him. You can. If it's you… you really can !"

"Shut up. Just because Osomatsu-niisan is like that doesn't mean you have to start acting like an older brother and be responsible and shit."

"I am not starting to act like your older brother. I **am** your older brother."

Todomatsu also stood up, unable to take all of this. "Stop it you two!"

The two of them stopped and looked at Todomatsu who was shaking his fist in anger.

"Mom's up there and I bet she could hear you two." Todomatsu started his voice low and shaking. "Do you know how hard it is for her to see her eldest son like that and the next ones fighting like this? You two have no idea… none of us could ever know what she is feeling right now. So if you want to be of help... Stop. Fighting."

Karamatsu went back down to sit and Choromatsu followed. The two were quiet for a while and when they calmed down Todomatsu sat down as well.

"I won't resign, but I'll check up on you everyday and check on his therapist for details." Choromatsu accepted.

Karamatsu sighed. He did not know what to follow with that. Something that would let him know that he had calmed down and happy about how Choromatsu and Todomatsu were acting. He was proud of them, really proud of them.

He then felt a grin formed behind him… more like from upstairs. A playful grin that felt like he had missed for a thousand lifetimes already.

He knew what to do now.

"You two want to drink?"

Choromatsu and Todomatsu looked up. Choromatsu breathed out and airy laughed and Todomatsu smiled with a shrug.


	4. Chapter 4: He was wrong

Karamatsu and Todomatsu took turns taking care of Osomatsu. Todomatsu in the morning and Karamatsu in the afternoon until the evening. Karamatsu went to various interviews to look for a job during the day, while Todomatsu still worked at Starbucks at night.

Choromatsu did what he promised and called every night. Usually Karamatsu talked with him, sometimes it was their mother or even their father.

But no amount of hard work or sacrifice could cure his mind. Osomatsu still had his delusions.

The therapist told their mother that Osomatsu, aside from loneliness and the fear of being left alone, had also been harboring guilt and regret inside his heart and unless someone freed him from all those he would deny everything that would remind him of that pain. The therapist tried, but he told her that his family could help Osomatsu the best. The therapy continued though, professional help was still encouraged.

On a positive note, Osomatsu looked better now.

Totty groomed him in the morning, reminded him to eat and to take his medicine. He also made sure that Osomatsu never missed his vitamins. Soon, the color in Osomatsu's cheeks started to come back again.

Karamatsu would take Osomatsu at the baths at night. Osomatsu continued his ramblings even inside the bath but with Karamatsu beside him playing along, he almost seemed normal. Karamatsu assisted his older brother in cleaning himself but that's not new, even when they were complete it was always just Karamatsu beside Osomatsu when they scrubbed their backs.

Karamatsu would make sure that Osomatsu ate dinner, even if that was the worst time of the day for him. Osomatsu always talked to 'everyone' around dinner. He fought with his imaginary Choromatsu. He made jokes with the absent Todomatsu. He talked with the Ichimatsu inside his head and cheered the missing Jyushimatsu.

And whenever he did that, Karamatsu felt lonely. It was sad that he was the only one among the two of them that knew how empty the world truly was.

Sometimes Karamatsu would remind Osomatsu that they're not there. Sometimes he would stay quiet and listen to Osomatsu with Karamatsu's own mind imagining the world inside his brother's head.

Both decisions, though, brought nothing but pain inside his heart.

.

.

.

Karamatsu gently covered Todomatsu with a blanket. The youngest fell asleep on the table. Karamatsu recognized the clothes that he had worn last night and knew that his brother had fallen asleep as soon as he arrived. It must be fatigue.

Todomatsu stirred and saw Karamatsu in his suit. The older brother had an interview today and so he was dressed that way. Not painful at all. A perfect member of society.

"Karamatsu-niisan. Sorry I fell asleep. I'll go upstairs and change now."

Osomatsu had a therapy session scheduled today and so after resting a bit Todomatsu needed to go out again for that.

"Are you sure? You look tired. Maybe I can go with him today."

"No. You have an interview today. You should go there!" Todomatsu rejected, "I can handle this."

"Totty. You don't have to do this if…"

Todomatsu smiled, the smile reached up to his eyes. "U-un. I want to do this. Besides…"

Todomatsu pulled the blanket around him. His eyes sparkled anew as another memory gave him a bigger smile.

"Last time Osomatsu-niisan finally saw me! We were walking out of the clinic and I was walking behind him and mom when he turned to look at me. He said something like 'Hurry up Totty, we need to strategize when we get home'."

Todomatsu's voice suddenly shook, so he swallowed. "I know Karamatsu-niisan… I know that I shouldn't be happy about that but…"

Karamatsu could not say anything. He was happy that Todomatsu finally appeared in Osomatsu's eyes, but it was still in the context of that imaginary invitational. He was not sure if this was progress or not. He saw from Todomatsu's expression that he too was unsure. The youngest was indeed happy, but being swept away by Osomatsu's stories was something they should watch out for.

Karamatsu patted his younger brother. "I'm happy to hear that. That's very good news. We're reaching out to him in his world. He's going to be fine soon!"

Karamatsu saw the glow in Todomatsu's eyes. Somehow the fatigue drained away with the reassurance from him.

"Ok, enough about this!" Todomatsu exclaimed, shaking the serious atmosphere away, "Go to your interview Karamatsu-niisan and knock their socks off!"

Karamatsu smiled. Seeing Todomatsu like that, reassured him as well.

.

.

However, the gods of job-hunting, if ever they existed, were not smiling down upon him. He had two interviews lined up that day but both rejected him. He even had to beg again, but they still rejected him.

Karamatsu went home feeling like utter shit. Todomatsu was already at work and he was actually glad that his younger brother was not there to see him like this.

Karamatsu went directly to their room. The orange glow of the fading sun softly illuminated their room. The room was half dark and half lit by the setting sun, it was a gloomy orange red twilight. He was surprised a bit to see Osomatsu quiet today, usually he was talking to his 'brothers'. This time he was quietly staring at the window, god knows what adventure he was up to now. Karamatsu smiled weakly, at least one of them had no worries like this.

Karamatsu slumped on the floor with his bag open. The contents poured out, letting the copies of his resume, his sunglasses, and the two rejection letters scatter on the floor. He was tired though so he just let them be. He closed his eyes and breathed.

Karamatsu then felt something move beside him. He sat up and saw Osomatsu sitting beside him. To his utter shock, his older brother was holding the rejection letter given to him. Karamatsu scrambled towards Osomatsu and ripped the paper from his hands.

"You shouldn't see that!" Karamatsu almost raised his voice. He feared that seeing something like this might have negative effects on Osomatsu. This was the reason why he was like this.

Osomatsu ignored it though and continued to stare straight ahead of him. The smile that crept in his face told Karamatsu that he had 'seen nothing'.

Karamatsu sighed in defeat.

"I know you are in there."

Karamatsu muttered. Osomatsu could not hear him, he knew that. But this time, he just wanted to talk to him. He **needed** to talk to him.

"I know that this might hurt you, but I'm not giving up. I will not give up. I will move forward Osomatsu. I will be a better man!"

Karamatsu's shoulders then fell. It felt awful, his older brother was just there , but he had to remind himself that all his words fell on deaf ears.

"I will be a better man and you will be damn proud of me. I'll show you… and then… I'll take you with me. We'll overcome this together."

Karamatsu started to shake. He felt his chest tighten so he clenched his fist to attempt to stop these emotions from slipping through.

"But sometimes I ask myself.." He whispered not to his brother anymore.

Karamatsu's voice slowly cracked and tears filled his eyes.

'This is fine'. He thought. 'Totty's not here anyway. Mom's downstairs. No one is here to see me like this. This is fine.'

"What is wrong with me? What should I do to please them?"

Osomatsu's smile slowly vanished. But Karamatsu was not looking at him anymore. He had not seen the change in Osomatsu's face anymore.

"I tried not to be painful. I don't even wear my old clothes. I carry my sunglasses with me all the time… but..." He tried to remain calm by talking. He wiped the tears instantly, forbidding them to flow. "I don't wear them at all."

Osomatsu turned to Karamatsu. His eyes rolled to the sunglasses on the floor. He crawled towards it and picked it up. He looked at Karamatsu, at his crying little brother.

"I miss my old self… my real self… but it's too painful. I won't get a job if I'm painful. I need a job to support you and mom and dad. I wanted to help too. If you're like that I need to step up and be someone Totty, Choromatsu, Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu can look up to… "

Karamatsu continued to speak. He wiped his eyes and cheeks as soon as he felt something wet rolling down on his face. He clenched his fist and bit his lip now and then. He should not cry. But he had been keeping this for so long and somehow he just could not stop. He even had forgotten that someone was actually there in the room with him.

He had forgotten about it until Osomatsu himself made Karamatsu remember.

Karamatsu felt a hand on top of his head. Instantly Karamatsu stopped and looked up.

"There there" The elder brother whispered gently, rubbing his hand on top of his head,

No.

Karamatsu shouted inside the deepest pits of his heart. 'He could not hear you. This is just one of his delusions.'

Osomatsu then placed Karamatsu's sunglasses on his face. Karamatsu was even more surprised.

When he was already wearing it, Osomatsu pulled away and sat to look at his younger brother.

"There you are my painful-matsu..." Osomatsu said with a weak smile.

Osomatsu placed his finger under his nose and rubbed a bit, "this is bad." He said with a more cocky grin, "My Karamatsu-boy side is showing."

Karamatsu smiled. His eyes were hidden behind the sunglasses but the tears escaped from his eyes and finally rolled down his cheeks. This time he did not attempt to even catch and wipe it away.

"You don't have to change who you are. You are special. If they fail to see that, it's their loss."

"Bruzza..." Karamatsu said in awe. He had not spoken that word in ages that it felt foreign on his lips.

Osomatsu's grin grew as the light outside shone it last and the solemn night overcame the room.

"Let's go to the bath now Karamatsu!"

Karamatsu instantly stood up. A smile pulled his lips wide and all words left him, so he only nodded in agreement. He had never been more enthusiastic for a bath.

There Karamatsu thought, 'He's going to be fine. Soon.'

It was the middle of the night. The stars twinkle and the moon hung close to the earth. Karamatsu slept peacefully in the futon with a smile. Osomatsu had never seemed normal before. They went to the bathhouse quietly and talked about small trivial stuff like wondering how much the chocolate milk was somewhere else and how old that public bath was.

No grandiose stories of intergalactic baseball with aliens wiping them out and not once did Osomatsu mention the missing brothers.

Karamatsu stirred in the bed and faced the other side where Osomatsu laid. He opened his eyes a bit and closed it again.

Karamatsu's eyes then opened wide.

His brother was not beside him anymore!

Karamatsu jumped out of bed and hurriedly went downstairs. Not there.

Kitchen. Not there.

Outside. Not there.

Bathroom. Not there.

He checked the shoes and learned that all the pairs were still there. He had not gone outside.

But where could he—

Karamatsu looked up. "The roof!"

He hurriedly rushed to the roof. His breath caught in his lungs and the winds bite him with the coldness of the night.

Indeed, Osomatsu was there.

"Bruzza!" He shouted towards him.

Osomatsu turned around and looked at Karamatsu. His teeth were chattering and his face drained of color. He had been in this cold for a while.

"Let's go inside Osomatsu. It's c-cold in here." Karamatsu felt his jaw tighten and teeth starting to chatter as well.

"It is isn't i-it?" Osomatsu answered, "Honestly… it's feels like this is the first time I started to feel something . Everything was just so hazy and blurry until now. "

"That is good Osomatsu. Maybe we sh-should talk inside while eating something warm… l-like instant ramen?"

Karamatsu was actually bargaining. Aside from the fact that it was cold, Osomatsu was dangerously near the edge as well. As someone who had fallen from there, he knew that there were some places that you should step on and hold on to in order to survive the fall.

But that was the Karamatsu and he was aware of what was happening. Osomatsu might be talking to him right now, but who knew how awake he really was.

Falling right now in his condition would be certain death for him.

Osomatsu shook his head, "I'm sorry Karamatsu. I'm sorry for being a shitty older brother. I don't want you to be like that again. I don't want to push you into something like that again… you're so gentle and understanding and yet I… "

Osomatsu looked up to him with a large smile, "I disappointed you so much that you hated me like that."

Osomatsu rubbed his cheek and Karamatsu instantly felt the sting in his fist as well.

That was where he punched him.

"I am truly sorry." Osomatsu's voice forced cheerfulness.

It was the most crushing apology that Karamatsu had seen and it was all hidden behind that sorrowful grin.

"Don't do this Osomatsu!"

"It's ok." He looked around, "they said that we'll be playing in space again. They'll pick us up soon."

'He reverted back!' Karamatsu shouted inside his mind, 'This can **not** be good. '

The past few days that Osomatsu started to look better were all false hope. It was only a lie they made to themselves. Osomatsu saw Totty. Osomatsu acted normally with Karamatsu. Osomatsu slept better. Osomatsu started to eat. They were all thinking the same this — it was progress. He would be better soon.

But it was wrong, they were all wrong.

Osomatsu was far from being fine and Karamatsu was just angry at himself that it was him who drove his older brother to this. He just knew that it was those rejection letters and him being in a suit that made Osomatsu remember the reason why he ran away to the confines of his mind in the first place.

Who else would be at fault if not him?

Karamatsu was still in contemplation when he heard a soft sound. A sound that can only be heard because it was the dead of night.

A small jump.

A small fall.

A big mistake.

"OSOMATSU-NIISAN!"


	5. Chapter 5: He apologized

"Osomatsu-niisan." Pleaded Choromatsu before dinner. His brother knew something was wrong with him but Osomatsu kept tight-lipped and dutifully sat with his brothers around the feast they prepared for Choromatsu. Osomatsu was disgusted at the thought, 'feast', like being left behind was something to be happy about.

"Osomatsu!" It was Karamatsu who shocked Osomatsu with the intensity of his glare. The hit Osomatsu received hurt but the look in Karamatsu's eyes made Osomatsu hate himself more than he could ever had before. This was the brother who smiled at him even after all the teasing and ignoring. Seeing Karamatsu like this made Osomatsu realize that he had crossed a line.

"Osomatsu-niisan!" Jyushimatsu's surprised voice stayed in his head even after he left the bathroom. He just saw a glimpse of it. Jyushimatsu was checking his body in the mirror and Osomatsu accidently saw the bruise he made. Osomatsu wordlessly left him and rushed to the tiny corner of their room. The eldest embraced himself and buried his face in shame. No matter how strong Jyushimatsu was and how he hid the pain behind his smile, Osomatsu knew that the bruise he left in his brother's heart was something that won't heal for a long while.

"Osomatsu-niisan…" that was Todomatsu who looked at him with tear-filled frightened eyes. The sly eyes he always had vanished in front of Osomatsu's rage. And Osomatsu regretted it the moment he landed that punch in his youngest brother's face.

"O-Osomatsu-niisan…" Ichimatsu tried to talk to him countless of times. They only had each other now. Ichimatsu wanted to talk to Osomatsu so bad and Osomatsu felt it every single time. But Ichimatsu was bad at these situations and Osomatsu felt his heart crumbled every time he disappointed his little brother. He built a wall around him that became too unbearable for Ichimatsu. It was his responsibility to change the mood, to assure him, to make him feel safe and to make everything okay for him. It was his job as the eldest… and yet all he did was to make everything worse.

It was only right that they all left him. He was not fit to be their brother. He was a worthless shitty oniisan and leaving him was the only logical thing to do. If Osomatsu could, even he wanted to leave this worthless person he became.

Who could bear being with him?

"Osomatsu-niisan..."

Karamatsu ran towards his brother, begging his legs to go faster to reach him in time. Every single muscle moved towards a single goal —save Osomatsu.

'I have no right to be your brother'

"Oniisan!"

Karamatsu called him while Osomatsu started to fall in front of his very eyes. Karamatsu knew he was looking back at him; he had seen himself mirrored in Osomatsu's eyes. Both eyes reflected regret and pain, but they had different motives: one wanted death, one wanted life.

'Don't call me that.'

"OSOMATSU-NIISAN!"

.

.

Osomatsu opened his eyes. He remembered being pulled out of the darkness by a pair of strong determined arms. When he came to everything felt hazy, like a dream in between sleeping and waking. His body felt like floating and he could easily slip back into the darkness once more.

"OSOMATSU-NIISAN!" The voice pulled him back to his body though, and Osomatsu willed his mind to focus on the voice. He shook his head to clear his mind.

He felt the same strong hands grasping his shoulders. The grip was tight but the shivering was evident and could not be ignored. It was cold, but Osomatsu knew that the boy in front of him was shivering not because of the biting coldness of the night.

Karamatsu was crying his brother's name. Tears continuously flowed down his cheeks and Karamatsu sobbed the words out of his chest.

"Please Osomatsu-niisan. Don't kill yourself oniisan. Don't go. Stay with me. Please please oniisan!" He pleaded, like a desperate prayer he had been keeping inside his heart.

Osomatsu was awake now but he just could not wrap his head around the situation. His brother was begging —crying — for his life? For him to stay? After what he did?

"Why Karamatsu?" Osomatsu asked, his words clear despite the slight chattering, "What I did to you and the others… it was horrible, wasn't it?" Osomatsu grinned, "wouldn't it be better to be rid of the extra load? To finally be free from your lousy shithole eldest brother?"

Osomatsu patted Karamatsu, consoling him with such dark twisted words that stung his younger brother's heart.

"I think you'd do a fine job as the eldest."

Karamatsu paused and all crying stopped. He sniffled, his eyes went wide and his mouth agape. Osomatsu shrugged and looked down. The younger one was shocked but Osomatsu wholeheartedly believed in what he said.

Karamatsu gently wrapped his arms around Osomatsu and buried his face on his older brother's chest. Osomatsu pulled away but Karamatsu embraced him tighter, locking his oniisan in his arms… the same arms that saved his life.

Osomatsu felt Karamatsu shaking against him and heard the muffled crying in his chest.

"Stop saying that..." Karamatsu's voice in a raspy whisper. "So what if you're shitty, we're as shitty as you… it's not like we're any better.

And… you seriously think we haven't forgiven you for what you did? **Do you honestly think that we still hate you?** "

Karamatsu looked up, his eyes now red and swollen from all the lament.

"If there's anyone I hate right now it's me! Because I let this happen to you… I am a useless brother and it's… "

Osomatsu embraced his brother back and adjusted him in his arms. He cradled him to a more comfortable position in such a way that Karamatsu could put all his weight on Osomatsu.

He may had been sleeping and staying in the deepest pits of his mind, but he could vaguely remember everything that happened. He saw Choromatsu and how he picked him up by the collar, eyes angry. He remembered Todomatsu and how he was about to hit him.

But Karamatsu, the ever so tender Karamatsu, did not answer him with violence but with love.

Osomatsu grinned. If there was anything he would forever be thankful for, it was the fact that he was born less than a second before Karamatsu and that he could become this person's older brother. His heart swelled just with the thought of it.

"shhh… shh… " He hushed, "Don't cry for me Karamatsu…"

"But you don't understand… you're my only oniisan and no one could ever take your place. Please don't do this to yourself. If you need anything, tell me. If you want to talk, you can talk to me. I'll be here for you oniisan. I'll always be here."

Of course Osomatsu knew that. Why wouldn't he know that?

But the memories of that night flooded inside his head and once more he wanted to retreat and escape inside the shadows of his dreams. The ghost of Karamatsu's punch was still there on his face. The image of his angry eyes still burned in his memory. It was a different Karamatsu from the one embracing him right now, but still the same.

And now that he remembered it, Osomatsu was just having a hard time looking at both.

"Let's go inside Karamatsu. It's cold here." Osomatsu weakly declared. That was his only answer for now.

Karamatsu nodded and helped Osomatsu go back inside.

The eldest silently looked back at the dark night sky, his mind started to hear his other brothers again. He shut his eyes for a bit and adjusted to where he was. He held on to Karamatsu tighter, affirming with his touch that Karamatsu was there. He looked at his younger brother and saw the kindness and sadness in his face, confirming that this was the Karamatsu that cried for him, the Karamatsu that longed for him to live, and not just another dream.

'He's here. He's really here.' For a while, Osomatsu had never felt happier.

Karamatsu urged Osomatsu to take some sleeping pills. Osomatsu declined at first but in the end he could not say no to those swollen worried eyes.

Karamatsu also had to talk to their parents, who were awakened by all the commotion. In the dimly lit house, Karamatsu had to wear his sunglasses and put on his best performance to lie to them and assure them that everything was alright.

"Osomatsu-niisan was just having one of those dreams again. But no worries mammy, daddy… he is fine now. You two go back to sleep. It's fine. It's fine."

Osomatsu went to the bathroom to wash his face. Meanwhile Karamatsu took this chance to finally call Choromatsu. This time, he could not hold back on the truth and lie to him.

"What is it Karamatsu-niisan… it's the middle of the night…." Choromatsu answered after the fourth ring. He woke up on the second.

"I'm sorry..." Karamatsu's voice broke instantly the moment he heard his brother's voice, "I stopped him but… what if… what if I wasn't there. What if I did not wake up… I don't know what I'd do..."

"Karamatsu-niisan." Though he barely had any information, his heart already knew that something was wrong. "I'll be there in a half an hour."

"Un." Karamatsu answered, never mind that Choromatsu could not see him nodding, "I'll try to still be awake until you arrive."

"Ok." Choromatsu said, "Oh and Karamatsu-niisan. It's not your fault. You did your best. Thank you for being there."

.

.

Choromatsu arrived in less than half an hour by cab. He already sent an email to his boss saying that he won't be going to work for a few days, or until this was sorted out. He was not really certain what was happening but he knew that this trip wouldn't be a short one.

Choromatsu had a spare key to the house so he snuck up quietly to their room.

When he arrived there Osomatsu was already sleeping. The large futon was laid out and folded at the side. Karamatsu and Osomatsu slept in the middle with pillows all around them. Karamatsu pressed close to Osomatsu while the older one slept soundly.

Karamatsu shifted and his eyes rolled under his swollen lids. He sat up and looked at Choromatsu.

"What happened?" Choromatsu whispered.

"It's ok. I gave him some sleeping pills, he won't wake up even if we shout here."

Choromatsu sat beside Karamatsu. "So?"

Karamatsu told him what happened and his brother saw how Karamatsu collapsed, almost bowing in front of him. His eyes were already too swollen but when he started to cry the tears helplessly continued to flow.

Choromatsu listened attentively and stayed quiet the whole time. His eyes wandered from Karamatsu and to the sleeping Osomatsu. He felt his eyes tearing up as well. He could not believe that his older brothers grieved that much.

"It's my fault… Choromatsu… I'm sorry for acting like some dependable older brother when I'm actually like this…"

Choromatsu gave Karamatsu a light pat.

"Like I said, you did well. You still caught him and if that was me I probably wouldn't be able to pull him up to safety. You did nothing wrong Karamatsu-niisan… in fact… you helped … a lot. Look at him now, so peaceful. And he looked healthier compared to when we first saw him. You are a truly dependable older brother. I am ever so grateful oniisan"

Choromatsu felt his voice breaking and stopped himself instantly. He composed himself and prepared for what he needed to say next.

"You and Osomatsu-niisan… I'm just so happy that you two are my older brothers. I love you two. The kindness, the shittyness, the painfulness… everything… I love and accepted it all.

But you know Karamatsu-niisan, it's not like we have this great gap in our age. I mean, you're just a few milliseconds older than me. You can also rely on me. You don't have to shoulder everything on your own. You know I'll be happy to be take that annoying straight man role anytime… you know you can ask me for support whenever you need me."

"Choromatsu…"

"You know that I'm your brother too. I'm more than willing to support you… so please rely on me more."

Choromatsu held back the tears and slowly turned to Osomatsu.

"Don't worry us like that Osomatsu-niisan…"

Unfortunately, he just couldn't stop his tears when it came to this.

"I'm sorry… I'm really sorry…"

Choromatsu wanted to say more but all he could do now was bend down and embrace Osomatsu's sleeping form. Choromatsu cried with nothing but apologies pouring out of his lips.

Karamatsu hugged Choromatsu as well, offering the strong comforting arms that only he could give as an older brother.

The two of them cried themselves to sleep. Karamatsu slept on right and Choromatsu on his left, their arms wrapped around him, tightly holding on to their older brother like frightened little kids who desperately sought their onii-san's warmth.

The night passed and soon it was dawn.

.

.

.

Jyushimatsu tried to move his fingers. The cast was already removed but he was still wearing a splint to protect his wrist as it healed. It would still take a while before he could use his right hand.

His co-workers dropped him off near the train station. He looked at the clock nearby and silently sat on one of the benches.

Soon, he heard a familiar voice called out his name. Jyushimatsu looked up and saw his little brother running towards him.

Jyushimatsu sat up attentively and waved his arms to call his attention, despite the fact that Todomatsu already saw him.

Jyushimatsu pulled his lips and smiled widely, his dry lips cracked, not used to a smile this big anymore. But Jyushimatsu's happiness just overflowed and his face could only show the surface of that joy.

"Totty!"

Jyushimatsu was coming back home.


	6. Chapter 6: He came home

"Matsuno-san, you don't talk that much do you?" His co-workers told him.

Jyushimatsu just shrugged and chuckled. The deed came unnaturally to him. Rather than laughing, he felt like he was just forcing the wind out of his throat.

"You always talk to that weird guy… Hatabou? Were you friends?"

Jyushimatsu kept his lips closed and just nodded. He did not really feel like adding anything else to that.

"Well I guess you're pretty normal." Another one of his co-workers said, "but try to talk more and at least smile."

 _'Smile?'_ Jyushimatsu thought.

Was he not smiling the whole time? But that's what he always did before. He used to always smile, even when the situation was serious or if nothing was really funny. He used to always have this huge smile on his face.

Jyushimatsu looked at the van's window and saw his reflection. His skin was pale and his lips were dry. His eyes were reddish and there were bags under his eyes. But the feature that he was most worried about was the fact that his face was blank. It felt like he was looking at someone else, one of his brothers perhaps? But no, this one was Jyushimatsu. This was him.

Jyushimatsu tried to stretch his lips into a grin but had to let go instantly. It felt so hard for something he had done so casually before.

Smile. Just smile.

But how could he smile, when there was no happiness inside his heart? It felt as empty as that sleepless tired face reflected before him.

He was already forcing himself and when it felt too much of a burden he had to stop.

Jyushimatsu placed a hand on his reflection. If this was the Jyushimatsu now, he had no other choice but to accept it.

But those thoughts vanished as if they had not been made only a few moments ago because now, Jyushimatsu had found the will to smile again!

And all it took was one look at the little brother who looked exactly like him.

Jyushimatsu walked back to their house with Todomatsu. Todomatsu asked him about his work and Jyushimatsu told his younger brother how his bag looked good with his outfit.

They also talked about getting Jyushimatsu a new smartphone and Todomatsu was more than willing to help him look for a good cheap one. Jyushimatsu was already excited for it. He's not really excited about the device, but just the idea that he would get to spend a day shopping with Totty made his heart leap with joy.

Somehow they managed to stay away from talking about 'it' until they finally arrived in front of the house.

Todomatsu sighed, "Jyushimatsu-niisan. Are you ready?"

Jyushimatsu just nodded, but this time his smile stayed.

"It's gonna be alright Totty." He said to his little brother with a grin, "this is home. Nothing wrong can happen as long we're together."

This was it. The reason why he could not smile at all before: he had not been home for what felt like a thousand lifetimes for Jyushimatsu.

He clutched his chest. His heart felt like about to burst. Just _being_ there with them makes him so very happy.

They both opened the door, "we're home!"

The two of them started to put their shoes away as footsteps came rushing towards them.

"Welcome home!" Karamatsu said in surprise.

"I'm home." Jyushimatsu declared.

Karamatsu instantly embraced them to their surprise. Choromatsu followed Karamatsu and just crossed his arms as he looked at the three with a smile on his face. Everything felt right in place.

"Karamatsu-niisan, were you crying? What happened?" Todomatsu asked.

Choromatsu looked away and softly said, "Karamatsu-niisan had… a nightmare."

"I don't mind this though." Jyushimatsu said as he embraced Karamatsu back tightly.

Todomatsu easily removed himself from the group hug and went to Choromatsu.

"You didn't tell me you were coming. How is Osomatsu-niisan?" Todomatsu asked. He was quite suspicious.

"He's still sleeping. We gave him pills last night. He was having a hard time to sleep." Choromatsu answered straight-faced.

Karamatsu was still petting Jyushimatsu when he looked back at Choromatsu. He was actually amazed at how easily his brother could lie.

"Ok." Todomatsu finally accepted. "We can all have breakfast then."

"YES! BREAKFAST!"

Jyushimatsu greeted his mother as well and was happy to be petted by her. He was around his co-workers for too long that it it felt so refreshing to act like a kid again around his family members.

The three finally told Jyushimatsu what happened over breakfast. Choromatsu started with how their mother called him and how they had to put Osomatsu through therapy. Karamatsu and Todomatsu shared how Osomatsu had been doing while they were taking care of him. Jyushimatsu just listened without a word. He could not believe that all this had happened while he was out of town.

After they told Jyushimatsu everything, everything except last night, the room was quiet again. Todomatsu was starting to yawn, clearly he needed to sleep soon.

"So what was Osomatsu-niisan's dream about?" This was the only question Jyushimatsu really wanted to ask.

Todomatsu, Choromatsu and Karamatsu looked at each other.

"I guess it was about baseball? Some invitational I suppose." Todomatsu thought carefully.

"Baseball!" Jyushimatsu said eagerly. "Were we there?"

"Of course buraza! We were all there!" Karamatsu assured him happily.

"I remember Osomatsu-niisan said that we lost the first time and then we met Coachmatsu and we trained for a year." Choromatsu added.

"Coachmatsu? What's he like?" Jyushimatsu asked.

"I dunno. He's some mysterious character. Anyway he died or something..." Choromatsu answered.

"I heard that he lived again like some ghost to guide us. Osomatsu-niisan talks to him every now and then while staring at the sky." Todomatsu recalled.

"I haven't heard about that part." Choromatsu said, "but do you know that even when we released our full power after training for a year we still lost to aliens."

"I guess we're still losers even in alternate universes." Todomatsu shrugged and laughed.

"Aliens! Baseball! Coachmatsu! BASEBALL! BASEBALL" Jyushimatsu just shouted, eyes bright.

Jyushimatsu looked around happily. Compared to their previous story this one was really fun. Choromatsu knew the first part of the story well and Todomatsu and Karamatsu had to continue the story. Todomatsu knew a lot about the training part and Karamatsu could even recall the matches. Jyushimatsu laughed with them and he felt like he was truly a part of the story.

Like it wasn't just a story, but a memory.

"I think Osomatsu-niisan will be better soon." Jyushimatsu suddenly said.

"Why do you think that?" Karamatsu asked, the story about last night was still on his tongue, threatening to come out.

"This dream he had, we always did this. Osomatsu-niisan would come up with some scenario and we played along every time. And it was SO FUN! Osomatsu-niisan was just lonely. When we all left he had no choice but to play with his imaginary brothers and it turned out to be one of the best things he could come up with. But now..."

Jyushimatsu stood up and stretched his arms wide.

"We're almost complete. We just have to find Ichimatsu-niisan and we would be complete. If he sees us all together maybe he wouldn't need to imagine anymore. He could play with us again!"

Choromatsu then raised his hand to speak, "About that, I still have no lead on where Ichimatsu is." He reported.

"No word from Chibita nor Iyami either." Karamatsu added.

"I have nothing as well. I even posted his picture online." Todomatsu frowned.

"It's ok! It's ok! We'll find him. Cats are smart and they can remember the way home."

The the three smiled at each other and to Jyushimatsu. Their brother's warm glowing smile lit up the house once more and upon seeing it, somehow everything felt like it was getting better.

"Now…" Jyushimatsu's smile got smaller, "may I see Osomatsu-niisan?"

.

.

Choromatsu and Karamatsu stayed by the door while Todomatsu and Jyushimatsu entered the room. Osomatsu was still there sleeping, like how they left him. They did not know when the pill's effect would wear off but Osomatsu needed all the rest he could get.

Jyushimatsu slowly walked towards Osomatsu. He then sat down and bowed low in front of him.

"I'm home, Osomatsu-niisan."

Jyushimatsu sat up and smiled, "You were very lonely, right? Don't worry…we're here now."

Jyushimatsu yawned and stretched. He then crawled towards Osomatsu and embraced him as he cuddled beside him.

Jyushimatsu buried his face on Osomatsu's side while Todomatsu followed and slept on the other side.

Karamatsu looked at Choromatsu. Choromatsu just placed a finger over his lips. Only the two of them could know what happened last night.

Karamatsu looked back at the three and saw Jyushimatsu's shoulder trembling. He smiled and laid next to him. He wrapped an arm around his younger brother's shoulder and cuddled closer.

"We're so sorry oniisan." Karamatsu heard his little brother whisper. "We're so sorry."

"Oh, my little Jyushimatsu..." he cooed as he gently patted Jyushimatsu, "you're tired aren't you… go to sleep...you can play with Osomatsu-niisan when you wake up."

Jyushimatsu nodded. "Un."

.

.

.

Osomatsu felt heavy when he woke up. There was something over his body and he felt his arms restricted. He opened his eyes and saw his brothers sleeping around him. Jyushimatsu and Todomatsu each on his side, Karamatsu beside Jyushimatsu and Choromatsu a little bit further from Todomatsu.

Osomatsu looked around at the gentle sleeping faces and could not tell if this was a dream or not. He had dreamed and played a scene similiar to this so many times in his loneliness that it was really hard to tell now.

Jyushimatsu then moved in his sleep and Osomatsu saw the splint on his hand. It was then that Osomatsu had became certain that he was awake.

"What … happened?" He muttered.

'Jyushimatsu was injured.' Was all he could think of.

He started to worry.

His heart started to race and the air felt too heavy to inhale. Suddenly he was having trouble breathing.

When? What caused it? And to Osomatsu's rage, he even worried about _who_ caused this? Jyushimatsu was clumsy and reckless but he was strong. No matter what you throw at him, he would always bounce back with a smile on his face. That was always the case. An injury like this, to his baseball arm nonetheless was something that should not be ignored.

Karamatsu slowly woke up and the first thing he noticed was that Osomatsu was already up before him.

"Buraza you're awake? Let me get you something to eat — buraza?" he asked when he noticed Osomatsu's terrified eyes.

"Choromatsu, wake up." Karamatsu suddenly called. In an instant Choromatsu was up and alert.

Choromatsu instantly processed what was happening and was already near Osomatsu in a heartbeat.

"What's wrong oniisan? We're here."

Todomatsu and Jyushimatsu both woke up due to the sound and movements around their sleeping bodies. Of course the first person they looked at was their eldest brother.

"Osomatsu-niisan. What's wrong?" Todomatsu asked while Jyushimatsu just looked worriedly.

Osomatsu breathed heavily. He clutched his chest as his eyes roamed around the room wildly.

"Give him some space." Choromatsu said signaling the other brothers to back up and they obeyed without another word.

Seeing how Choromatsu was handling the situation, Karamatsu hurried to go downstairs with the intent to get some glass of water.

Osomatsu suddenly screamed startling Choromatsu. Todomatsu tried to reach out but pulled his hand back.

"Osomatsu-niisan." Jyushimatsu called and all Osomatsu could see was the bounded hand.

Osomatsu pulled further away. "No..." his voice barely audible.

Osomatsu screamed once more and the three stepped back from him. Osomatsu then took this opportunity to run towards the door.

However, Todomatsu was instantly in front of him, blocking his way.

Osomatsu looked at Todomatsu and saw his worried little face. **The same face he hit with his own fist.**

Osomatsu bit his lip and shoved Todomatsu out of the way. Todomatsu did not even fight back. His eyes full of shock and fear as he let his older brother cast him aside. The way Osomatsu looked at him brought him back to that day before he left.

Choromatsu blinked and paused for a few seconds before he snapped and realized what happened.

"He's running away Karamatsu-niisan!" Choromatsu shouted downstairs. He knew that Karamatsu could stop him.

Jyushimatsu sped past Choromatsu and jumped down passing by the whole stairs.

Karamatsu hurried towards the door. He saw Osomatsu grabbing his shoes and fleeing out the door.

Karamatsu leaped towards him but Osomatsu managed to get away from him. Karamatsu stood up again and realized that Jyushimatsu was already with him downstairs.

"Choromatsu! Tell mom what happened and call the police to help us look for him." Karamatsu ordered as he hurriedly put his shoes on.

Choromatsu was already halfway down the stairs when he heard Karamatsu's orders.

Choromatsu gulped. "Understood." He said.

The two ran outside and started shouting for Osomatsu's name. Choromatsu was already going towards the phone when he thought about something. He went back up the stairs again.

Totty was still in the middle of the room. He was still in the same position Osomatsu left him with, shock written all over his face.

Choromatsu sat down beside him and placed a hand on Todomatsu's shoulder. "Are you ok?"

Todomatsu slowly turned to Choromatsu. "How about Osomatsu-niisan?"

Choromatsu could hear his brothers' voices outside, slowly fading and going away. They were probably a block away by now.

"They will find him. Don't worry."


	7. Chapter 7: He ran away

The night came and there was still no sign of their brother. Karamatsu and Jyushimatsu went home dead tired from scouring the city. If only all their efforts were not in vain the fatigue would have been worth it.

They looked for Osomatsu everywhere; the places he would go to, the places he would never go to and the places even he didn't know.

He was never there.

Their parents went to the police and filed a missing person report. They went home with no Osomatsu and tears on their eyes.

Choromatsu stayed with Todomatsu at home the whole day and manned the phones. Choromatsu and Todomatsu called everyone they knew, even their co-workers and friends online.

Todomatsu, on a regular day, would never let his co-workers know of his brother's existence, but this was an emergency and they need all the help they could get.

At the end of the day, everyone was exhausted, worried and just miserable.

.

.

"Five more minutes!" Jyushimatsu suddenly shouted as his body spread flat on the floor, "Five minutes and I'll go look for Osomatsu-niisan again!"

Their brother looked like he came rolling down the mountain with all that dirt easily visible on his yellow clothes. Choromatsu frowned with disapproval.

"No, Jyushimatsu. It's already late and you're already tired. It's time to rest." Choromatsu reminded.

"I agree with Jyushimatsu. Osomatsu-niisan is out there alone in the cold darkness of the night." Karamatsu added.

"Not you too." Choromatsu sighed and shook his head, "we shall continue searching tomorrow. I'll join you as well. I already asked Mom and Dad to stay home just in case Osomatsu-niisan decides to come back here… besides, I don't want them to get tired running around too."

"So you two go wash your faces at least and let's prepare to sleep." Choromatsu said picking Jyushimatsu up from the floor.

"No. NO! I will look for Osomatsu-niisan! I'm just resting a bit." Jyushimatsu whined.

"You don't even have the energy left to pull away. You are tired." Choromatsu nagged.

Karamatsu watched as Choromatsu dragged Jyushimatsu towards the door. Karamatsu looked around and saw Todomatsu in one corner silently staring at his phone. His fingers weren't even moving, he was just staring blankly at his phone.

"Todomatsu," Karamatsu called worriedly, "are you ok?"

Todomatsu looked up and nodded a bit.

"Totty? What's wrong?" Jyushimatsu noticed as well. He then easily wiggled out of Choromatsu's hand and quickly crawled towards Todomatsu.

"I'm ok Jyushimatsu-niisan."

"You're not." Jyushimatsu realized. "You've been quiet ever since we arrived."

"Are you still upset about what happened?" Choromatsu asked.

"What is this?" Karamatsu did not really learn what happened here, he was downstairs when Osomatsu made a run for it.

"Totty was pushed by Osomatsu-niisan when he ran away." Choromatsu narrated. "I'm really sorry that I didn't help. I was too shocked."

"That's not it Choromatsu-niisan." Todomatsu whispered. "I wasn't upset about that at all."

Jyushimatsu's eyes then started to look worried as Todomatsu's expression changed in front of him. Todomatsu's eyes widened as his lips shook. He gripped his hair and stared hard at the floor.

"Just when I thought I was finally a part of Osomatsu-niisan's world… he suddenly pushed me away. I thought I got to reach him, but he just didn't want me."

Karamatsu went near Todomatsu as well, while Choromatsu just looked down.

"You know it's not like that Totty. Osomatsu is just confused right now so..." Karamatsu tried to console him.

"You should've seen how he looked at me!" But Todomatsu snapped and grabbed Karamatsu's collar. "Like I'm repulsive! Like I'm not something he should see."

Todomatsu's hands shook as he let go of his older brother. He then retreated back and pulled his legs towards him.

"Karamatsu-niisan do you think I shouldn't had been born? That I shouldn't exist at all?" Todomatsu looked at Choromatsu, "you said it so right Choromatsu-niisan? I shouldn't exist."

"Totty. I'm terribly sorry. You know I didn't mean it." Choromatsu apologized instantly.

"We're just joking back then!" Jyushimatsu said worriedly. "I don't want us to be quintuplets! We would always be sextuplets. Always!"

"Todomatsu, listen…" Karamatsu pulled Todomatsu by the shoulders to face him. He had failed to help Osomatsu before, he would not let that mistake happen with their youngest.

"...even in Osomatsu's delirium you exist. In whatever alternate universe, in whatever lifetime, you are still our youngest brother and that would not... I mean… should **never** change." Karamatsu assured.

Jyushimatsu then wrapped his arms around Todomatsu and he just let him. The warmth of Jyushimatsu's body felt temptingly comfortable that Todomatsu could not help but lean on his older brother.

As the warmth spread to him slowly, he calmed down.

"I am them, and they are me." Choromatsu suddenly said.

Todomatsu looked up and Jyushimatsu pulled away and nodded vigorously in agreement to Choromatsu.

"We'll always be a part of each other." Karamatsu smiled.

"Besides, Osomatsu-niisan only started to freak out when he saw this." Jyushimatsu pulled his long sleeves back. That was the first time he revealed his injury to them.

Instantly, the three brothers were surprised. Todomatsu instantly forgot about himself just to check his brother's hand.

Choromatsu quickly ran towards Jyushimatsu, "When did this happen? Did mom or dad know?"

Jyushimatsu nodded, "Dr. Dekapan told mom. She even visited me right after this happened."

"Buraza… this looks bad. What happened?" Karamatsu was beyond himself with worry.

"It was an accident. A big box came crushing down on me, I thought I could handle it but it was so heavy." Jyushimatsu laughed, "How would I know that there was a refrigerator inside that." His empty laughed went out again.

"You should say these things to us as soon as possible!" Choromatsu reprimanded.

"I'm sorry." Jyushimatsu looked down, "You were all worried about Osomatsu-niisan. I don't want to be a burden."

"You are not a burden." Karamatsu's voice was louder but he was not shouting. The statement felt so powerful and so true, even Choromatsu paused and turned his gaze to Karamatsu.

Karamatsu opened his arms wide and enveloped inside it the two youngest siblings. Jyushimatsu and Todomatsu embraced him back, clinging to him as they hung on to his strength.

Choromatsu sighed, "We all are really hopeless. Karamatsu-niisan and I blame ourselves, Jyushimatsu thinks he's a burden and Todomatsu feels like he shouldn't exist…."

"...and Osomatsu-niisan wants to die." Karamatsu finished.

"Wai- Karamatsu-niisan!" Choromatsu tried to stop him.

"What is the point of keeping this from them? They need to know too."

"What is this? What happened?" Todomatsu asked, he knew something was up. He knew it the moment he went home this morning.

Against Choromatsu's will Karamatsu narrated the events that happened last night. At first Karamatsu was still calm, but when he had to repeat Osomatsu's words and the images from last night, the strength wavered and he crumbled into tears. Choromatsu asked for him to stop but Karamatsu put on his sunglasses and continued.

Jyushimatsu bit his lips in order to stop himself from crying as well. Todomatsu however was a bit angry that the two wanted to keep this from them.

After hearing something like that no one was surprised to see Jyushimatsu more eager to continue the search than before. As if all traces of fatigue gone, Jyushimatsu stood up.

However, Choromatsu still stood in his way.

Todomatsu stood up as well. "I'm sorry Choromatsu-niisan, but I'll be coming too."

Choromatsu looked at Todomatsu, his eyes eager to go as well.

"I am not a dry monster. I actually care about what happens to Osomatsu-niisan even more than you think."

"Choromatsu." Even with just a name Choromatsu knew what his older brother wanted to do.

Choromatsu sighed. "You think I can still say no to those eyes. It's not like I'm the dry monster here."

Choromatsu stepped aside and started to walk down the stairs. The three looked at each other and smiled.

The night was deep and most were sleeping but the brothers were more determined than before. The search for Osomatsu continued again.

.

.

.

He ran away.

His feet carried him away from his home. He really had nowhere to go and had no place he wanted to be.

He just wanted to run away.

His chest and head hurts so much. His vision was fuzzy and he could not see clear. The sights and sounds that he passed by made no sense. He did not even know how long he had been running.

When his feet finally gave in to its human limitations, he fell down and stumbled on the sidewalk.

Osomatsu stayed down as his ears picked up the various unfamiliar voices of people walking around him.

"What's that?"

"Is he ok?"

"Hey. Someone should help him."

Showing concern with no actual intention of helping. The rejection of society vivid. But of course, who would want to help a trash like him?

He then heard the gentle sound of guitar nearby.

Somehow, it felt like it was urging him to stand back up.

"Karamatsu…" He searched in the hopes to hear the voice of his painful little brother.

He swallowed and felt the dryness of his mouth and slowly picked himself up.

He stood up but saw no Karamatsu. Instead, when he looked beside him he saw himself.

It was a reflection of himself on the side of the large glass wall. The tattered clothes, messy hair and tired face made Osomatsu unable to recognize himself.

"Who are you?" Osomatsu asked the reflection.

He looked at the person looking back at him and slowly saw it: Ichimatsu's posture, Totty's scared eyes and Choromatsu's frown.

"Everyone… you're here too?" He said quite excitedly.

He then pulled his lips into a smile and soon he saw Jyushimatsu in his lips and Karamatsu's kind eyes staring back at him.

"Where are we going Osomatsu-niisan?" Osomatsu said out loud, the reflection's lips moving with his own.

"I don't know. Where do you want to go?"

"Pachinko sounds good right about now." Osomatsu said as he posed.

"Sure! I wonder if they're still open at this time."

"It's ok if they're not open." Osomatsu said in a more energetic tone.

"You're right." Osomatsu agreed.

"As long as we're all together….

...anywhere we go is fun."


	8. Chapter 8: He saved him

Ichimatsu rubbed his eyes. He had been teary-eyed for a while now, and he knew it was not because he was being emotional. He could feel it —the beginning of a fever that would burn him all throughout the night. He swallowed and felt his empty throat ache.

He then proceeded to go to a park nearby. There would be water fountains there and drinking water felt so soothing right about now.

He dragged himself to go there. He had eaten "something" today so why was he so weak? He dread the coming of this fever with every heavy step. He could still pick himself up and move around, but surely he needed to go and sleep somewhere before his body gives up on him.

He drank from the first fountain he saw. The water felt like cold ice in his mouth. It felt so comfortably good. He washed his face as well, maybe he could lower his temperature for a bit after this… for a little while until he found a safe place to turn in for the night.

"HEY YOU! Stand up right now!" An angry voice sliced through the dark silence of the park. "Come with me! Wake up you!"

Ichimatsu rolled his eyes towards the noise while his mouth was still enjoying the coldness of the water.

'Poor guy' He thought knowing exactly that all that anger was pointed towards some homeless person sleeping in the park.

Sometimes public places like these were more dangerous than dark alleys. If you encounter the wrong person, you could end up being traded overseas or taken to some place where they harvest your organs.

'This is why I don't sleep here.' Ichimatsu thought.

Ichimatsu took one last glance at the commotion afar.

That was when he saw **him** .

"Osomatsu… niisan?"

Ichimatsu's breath stopped for a second as his heartbeat drummed loudly in his ears. Public places like these were dangerous, and this was no place for someone like him.

He ran, almost tripping on his weakened legs, but he ran to him.

He went in between the stranger and his brother who laid comfortably on the bench. He glared at the stranger and gritted his teeth.

"Get away from him." Ichimatsu whispered darkly.

"Ok… ok." The stranger slowly backed away, "I didn't mean any harm."

Ichimatsu learned a long time ago that when a person claimed that he or she did not mean any harm, they were the ones you should really watch out for.

Ichimatsu snarled. The feral sound vibrated in his throat and looked dangerous behind his bared teeth. His eyes reflected the lamppost and they were far from friendly.

The man stepped back. "Wait… you look alike. Are you like twins?"

"I wish." The faces of his brothers flashed in his mind. "...maybe just triplets."

The stranger pointed at the sleeping Osomatsu on top of the bench.

"He's missing by the way. I saw his face online."

"Yeah. I'm looking for him." Ichimatsu then looked sharply at the man. "Now scram!"

"O-ok. I'm glad you found him." The man stuttered. He quickly turned around and dashed.

Ichimatsu watched the man run away. He was still on his guard and he waited for a while until he could stand at ease. When he secured the area, it was only then that he turned around and looked down at his sleeping older brother.

Ichimatsu placed a hand on Osomatsu's face. It was cold. Terribly cold.

"Osomatsu-niisan, oniisan… wake up." His voice was gentler now.

Osomatsu opened his eyes slightly but was too tired to keep it open. But he still took Ichimatsu's hand and nuzzled against his palm.

"Warm… so warm..."

Ichimatsu knew that he was starting to burn now. He could literally feel his fever embracing him in its fiery arms. But if that would keep his brother warm, then it must be a good thing. He pulled up his facemask and touched Osomatsu's face with both his hands. He just washed those hands, it should be clean enough to touch him at least.

.

.

.

Matsuyo was already waiting in front of the door when the brothers returned the next morning.

Jyushimatsu looked dreadfully untidy while he carried a sleeping Todomatsu on his back. Karamatsu looked defeated on the other hand, while he carried Choromatsu who mumbled Osomatsu's name and apologies the whole way.

She called Matsuzou when she saw them. Their father rushed out of the door and asked if he could carry any of them. Karamatsu said to help Jyushimatsu, the younger was already on the brink of collapsing if not for Todomatsu on his back.

Matsuzou took Todomatsu and instantly Jyushimatsu did fall on the ground.

Matsuyo had to carry her ball of sunshine inside the house.

Karamatsu hurriedly cleaned himself and helped his parents in cleaning up the half-awake boys. Choromatsu tried to change clothes himself but the buttons of his shirt were all wrong. Karamatsu aligned the buttons properly.

The futon was laid and they dragged the three to it. Matsuyo tucked the boys and kissed them all on their foreheads.

"Mammy," Karamatsu told his mother, his words were but mumbles due to exhaustion, "if there's any phone call, news or anything… wake me up instantly."

Matsuyo smiled. Her eyes looked puffy from the obvious crying but she still tried to smile in the hopes of calming Karamatsu

"You go and rest too." She told him, "your father and I will take it from here."

"I know and I believe in you mother, but I can't rest." Karamatsu's voice shook with every word.

He stopped and breathed, to calm himself, and to be strong in front of his mother.

"...every single time I close my eyes, I see him" but everything was futile, his voice cracked again. This time he had no strength to hide it anymore.

"I fear the he's in trouble somewhere. How can I rest if he could be in danger—"

His mother leaned down to him and hugged him tightly. Easily it hushed him.

"I fear it too. I am scared of a lot of things." She said as she soothed the trembling of her child, "But I am also scared that if you boys don't rest you might break too and that's my worst fear right now."

"Mom."

"Go and rest. You have been too hard on yourself Karamatsu, your oniisan would be sad if he learns about this. You and I know how annoying Osomatsu is when he's worried about you guys."

Karamatsu gave her a small smile and agreed.

Karamatsu was out like a light after that.

.

.

.

Osomatsu woke up.

His head was in a mess. He was in that dream-awake state that he could not understand again.

He rubbed away the blurriness in his eyes and took a gander at where he was. In was a deep alley in a middle of two buildings. There was a wall behind him where he could hear a busy street from the other side. The alley itself was dark but there were lights from the streets and from the windows of buildings around him.

He looked around and saw a dark figure sitting afar. Osomatsu suddenly was more aware of the danger he could be in and he retreated from the figure.

"It's me, Osomatsu-niisan."

Osomatsu knew that voice anywhere and the moment he heard him, it felt the ache of how he was longing for his voice for a long long time.

Obscured by the shadows, Ichimatsu looked grimly at him. Osomatsu could not clearly see him but he was sure that he was wearing the same thing he wore when he left the house. He looked dirtier now, but that was to be expected from a stray cat like him. For now Osomatsu did not care, he was just overjoyed to see that he seemed well.

Osomatsu was about to say something or at least come closer to him, but Ichimatsu suddenly slid a plastic bag towards him.

Osomatsu looked confused but he still took the plastic bag and opened it. It was a pork bun torn in half. It was still warm when he touched it and it looked clean enough.

Osomatsu smiled. "I see you've already eaten."

Ichimatsu shook his head. He took out his part and showed it to Osomatsu.

"Let's eat then. Thank you Ichimatsu."

Ichimatsu just gave him a short nod.

The two ate in silence. The "meal" did not really last long. It was just a few bites and it was done.

"I heard that you ran away." Ichimatsu said.

"Yes, but I… I don't know why. I just wanted to get out of there. I saw Todomatsu and Jyushimatsu and I forgot what happened after that. Next thing I knew I was running."

Osomatsu rubbed his nose. "I'm really horrible, aren't I? They did nothing wrong but now I know that I did something awful to them again. I made them worried about **me** again."

Ichimatsu just stared. He was listening to him and Osomatsu knew that. It was that solace that urged Osomatsu to talk more

"I tried to kill myself."

Ichimatsu did not look surprised.

"But Karamatsu stopped me. After that I just couldn't bring myself to die and leave him anymore. I didn't like to see him cry like that… so kind, so heartbreaking, and it was all for me."

Ichimatsu grinned a bit. It was something Karamatsu would do. He could easily imagine it.

"Choromatsu helped me too. He got me a very nice therapist but he still checks up on me everyday. And Totty sacrificed a lot of sleep for me…even if I hurt him again and again he would still stay with me in all my sessions."

Osomatsu looked up and wondered, "I bet Jyushimatsu would be dragging himself to the ground just to look for me…"

Osomatsu rubbed his nose, "The only thing I can be good at is being a problem. I really am fucking useless."

Unfortunately, Ichimatsu could understand him. That amount of guilt and helplessness was second nature to him. He had tried to kill himself a lot of times before and he had always wanted to leave him That was why, he could also understand the dilemma Osomatsu had after seeing all their efforts to save him.

His brothers had saved him a lot of times before: Choromatsu always worried himself over him, Jyushimatsu helped him smile, Todomatsu always reached out to him in his own sly little ways… even Karamatsu was sickeningly kind towards him.

But most of all, it was Osomatsu's strength that had helped him a lot of times before. He was always so confident and so sure of what he wanted to be or do in life. He did not pretend or lied about what he was. He accepted it; being a loser, being shit, being useless. He embraced who he was.

Osomatsu was the strong foundation for them as brothers. As long as they had him, they'd be okay... or so Ichimatsu thought.

Now, he had realized that it was the other way around. That Osomatsu was only strong when they were there with him. He could only be a big brother if he had brothers. Otherwise, he was nothing.

"You should go with them." Ichimatsu suddenly said.

Osomatsu raised his eyes to look at his brother, "who?"

"I was watching you the whole day. You were looking at them and talking to them." Ichimatsu told him.

Osomatsu looked confused and Ichimatsu just sighed. "What time do you think it is?"

It was only then that Osomatsu realized what he meant. The sky was dark but it looked earlier than the last time he remembered.

He had been out of it the whole day and Ichimatsu was there the whole time.

"I'm sorry." Osomatsu apologized, disappointed at himself that Ichimatsu had to bear that.

Ichimatsu shrugged.

"Totty's not the only one who comes home every now and then. I know about your condition and I know what they were doing for you to get better."

"I'm sorry you had to see that ." Osomatsu still insisted with his apology.

"You don't have to apologize. You looked so happy."

"I did?"

Ichimatsu's eyes softened as they rolled down and stared at the ground. He embraced himself and pulled all of his being into a ball he contained himself in. This was more painful that he had hoped for.

"You were. They sound so great. Even Karamatsu seemed bearable. Jyushimatsu was very funny and Choromatsu was fucking useless. Totty was still Totty but he was funny too."

Osomatsu could remember it. It always felt like a memory even more than dream or a hallucination.

Ichimatsu saw his older brother's gentle eyes as he recalled it. Ichimatsu felt a heavy rock inside his chest as he saw Osomatsu's face. He was jealous. He longed to see what his brother saw and be happy as well, but at the same time, he wanted to be the one who could make his brother smile like that.

"So go with them." Ichimatsu urged again, "be with the people who could make you happy."

And in just a heartbeat, like on cue, Osomatsu heard his name called from one side.

Osomatsu looked at the empty space towards the exit of the alley going to the well lighted street. Ichimatsu knew these eyes. He had been seeing it all day. Osomatsu went back inside his head once more.

"Ichi...matsu?"

Ichimatsu almost grinned. Of course the one who would take him away from him would be the other him.

The other Ichimatsu looked better, clean with color on his cheeks. He was holding a cat in his arms and was even smiling a bit.

"The others are waiting. Let's go Osomatsu-niisan."

Ichimatsu looked at Osomatsu as he slowly slipped into his own world. He was just there, he could simply shake him awake. He could tell him that he needed his older brother.

But he didn't. If this was the world he wanted to be in, then a garbage like him would dare not pull him back to the harsh reality.

Osomatsu nodded, but he shook his head again and looked at the dirtier Ichimatsu. He was not there anymore. Engulfed by darkness, Osomatsu was unable to see his "real" brother.

Ichimatsu watched as Osomatsu just froze from where he sat. Eyes staring at afar and lips moving slightly to form some noises. They were barely words but Ichimatsu could tell that he was already talking to 'them'.

"Goodbye Osomatsu-niisan… don't worry we'll take care of you." Ichimatsu said, words fell on deaf ears.

Ichimatsu's vision then flickered. He was still sick. He had been ignoring it the whole time because he was with his brother but just because he was not thinking about it, does not mean that it was gone.

Ichimatsu then started to shiver. Suddenly he fell on his side. He was terribly sick, but he could not take his eyes off his brother. He needed to bring him back home before he could give in to his fever.

But he was too weak now, and his body was just too heavy to lift.

Osomatsu heard the soft 'thud' when Ichimatsu fell on the side. Somehow, he could remember that someone else was there with him.

He looked around again, this time his eyes could see past the shadows.

"Ichimatsu!" Osomatsu hurriedly went to his brother's side.

Osomatsu instantly felt Ichimatsu's fever at first touch.

"You're burning up! Come with me!" Osomatsu said as he pulled Ichimatsu and placed him to settle in on his back.

Osomatsu carried Ichimatsu. Surprisingly his brother was too light and that got Osomatsu worried. Underneath those sleeves and cloth, how thin did Ichimatsu become?

Osomatsu was about to run. He knew where to go. There could only be one place he could trust right now.

However, another Ichimatsu stood in his way.

"Aren't you going to play with us oniisan?"

"Get out of my way Ichimatsu I need to take Ichimatsu to the doctor."

"You're going to take who? There's no one on your back silly oniisan." Todomatsu suddenly appeared beside Ichimatsu with a grin.

Ichimatsu slowly slipped behind him as Osomatsu's grip started to loosen.

But Osomatsu shook his head, ' **Focus** '

"But aren't you happier with us? Why are you even having doubts?" Choromatsu was talking now and Osomatsu was just barely holding on.

The only thing that was pulling him back to reality was the fact that Ichimatsu was cradled on his back.

"You don't have to be in pain burazaa, you know you are better off with us. Here, we will always be together." Karamatsu sounded so compelling.

"And we could play and be lazy forever!" Jyushimatsu jumped happily.

"We are your brothers." Ichimatsu said again.

Osomatsu released a hand from Ichimatsu and held it out to the brothers in front of him.

He would not feel pain.

He would not do anything be pressured to be something.

He would be with them.

He would be happier.

Ichimatsu glanced at Osomatsu the moment he realized that he was holding him up with just one hand. Ichimatsu saw his other hand extending to nothingness. Ichimatsu bit his lip.

He started to summon his strength to pull away and to hopefully be able to stand on his own when he succeeds.

That was when he heard Osomatsu whisper to himself.

"Focus… Osomatsu… Focus… don't…"

Ichimatsu looked at him surprised that he was trying so hard.

"Don't hurt Ichimatsu again… don't leave him. Focus."

Ichimatsu did not know what was happening. He could not really see what Osomatsu was seeing…

but he was sure, with a certainty so strong inside his heart, that his brother was fighting right now.

Fighting through the illusions that kept him safe from the pain of reality. Pulling away from the happiness that he could easily slip into. Forcing his mind, see him and not be swayed by those brothers that were with him when his real brothers abandoned him.

Ichimatsu swallowed. There was it, the strength he had always looked up to. The confidence that was the foundation of them as brothers. The love where Ichimatsu had always felt home to.

If he could be too selfish… if he could be greedy… if he was just honest with himself, what he wanted most of all now was be with his brothers and to be the one who would give that happiness — that smile — to his eldest brother.

Ichimatsu wrapped his arms around his brother and laid his head on the back of his neck.

"Osomatsu-niisan. Don't leave."

Osomatsu heard his voice clearly through all the confusion.

Focus.

Osomatsu looked behind him and felt the weight of his younger brother against him. Ichimatsu was here. Ichimatsu needed him.

"It's true. If I go with you I won't feel any pain or suffer from loneliness. You would help me forget this world and everything I run away from…" Osomatsu said, his words clear even in reality.

"...but!"

He thought about them. His real brothers. He held onto their crying or worried faces and embraced their happy smiles. He recalled how they all left him, and how they suffered with his suffering. And every time those thoughts slipped behind the images of his illusion, Osomatsu forced them to surface again.

Focus.

These are your brothers.

 _"If there's anyone I hate right now it's me! Because I let this happen to you. I am a useless brother."_

"Who would help them in their pain?"

 _"But I'm your Totty… I'm your only Totty!"_

"Who would embrace them in their loneliness?"

 _"Osomatsu-niisan. Don't leave."_

"Who would be there when they need help?"

 _"You were very lonely, right? Don't worry…we're here now."_

"Who would welcome them when they need a home?"

 _"When I got my job, the first thing that popped into my head was all of their faces."_

"And who would support them when they actually did a good fucking job in life?"

Osomatsu held on to Ichimatsu. His breath was hot behind his neck, he needed a doctor soon.

"I might be useless and shitty and pathetic. But only I can do all those things, I can be there and I will be there. You know why?"

The imaginary brothers froze there. Smiles stuck on their faces. They were a little creepy, but Osomatsu clearly saw how incapable they were of feeling his pain.

"...because I'm their **eldest brother** ! And my happiness will only be with them. Even if they're not with me, even if they're far away. We would still be brothers and if they're happy…"

Osomatsu swallowed, as the faces of his brothers were stronger inside his mind now. They were shouting now, grounding him in place until reality grasped his existence firmly in its clutches.

"...as their brother, as their eldest brother, I should support them."

The imaginary brothers all looked at him. Five pairs of the same eyes. They looked at him, to each other and back to Osomatsu. Their eyes all said the same thing: It was fun, Osomatsu-niisan.

Suddenly their image cracked like a glass in front of his eyes. It shattered into a thousand... million pieces until it was nothing but powdery dust. It fell on the ground and slowly faded away.

Osomatsu inhaled and exhaled, oddly exhausted after the whole ordeal. There were beads of sweat on his brow and his mouth hung with his breath.

But he did not mind that. There was no one in his way now and he still had Ichimatsu with him.

He ran away, but this time with a destination in mind. He might not know where he was exactly, but he knew that he needed to go to Doctor Dekapan as soon as possible.


	9. Chapter 9: He cried

"Hello..."

Matsuyo feared and hoped for every phone call that came to their home that day. As much as every ring could be news of her sons, she could only hope that it was the kind of news she wanted to get.

When the phone rang, it was even Matsuzo who picked up the phone for her. She was glad that he could tell how she was panicking simply from how her shaking fingers hover over the phone. She guessed years and years of marriage could make your husband a little bit psychic.

She watched how her husband's face lit up when he heard the voice from the phone. He even smiled a bit when he spoke of his name, "Osomatsu…."

Then her whole being moved towards the phone. Matsuzo already knew what to do and just gave way for her to grab the receiver.

"Osomatsu? Are you ok? Where are you? We'll be there."

She did not even realize how much she had been holding her breath.

"Mom. Calm down. I'm at Dr. Dekapan's. I found Ichimatsu and he has a crazy high fever so I bought him here." His voice was light to mask the seriousness of the situation.

Matsuyo could hear it clearly though, Osomatsu's mask would never work on her.

"That is good. And you?"

"...I'm ok."

There was a pause before his answer. With just that, Matsuyo just knew everything.

"Okay, I'll be there my little NEET. Wait for me, ok?"

"Of course.." his words were followed by a chuckle.

Matsuyo put the phone down.

She looked at her husband, "call Todomatsu and tell him what happened."

Matsuyo started to go when Matsuzo asked, "and you?"

"The two of them need a change of clothes. Osomatsu might also need his medication and I know I just saw Ichimatsu's cat on the roof."

"You're bringing all that?"

"It's the best I can do to make them feel at home. Now call the other NEETs, they are as worried sick as you and me."

.

.

The moment Dekapan opened the door to his home, Matsuyo pushed herself inside. Matsuzo couldn't even stop her. His hands were occupied with the things they brought, including a live feline.

She never forgot her manners despite the raging motherly instincts inside her, it was only when she was removing her shoes and placing them orderly beside the other footwears that the men managed to catch up to her.

The rage was not quenched and was actually re-ignited when she saw Osomatsu's shoes and Ichimatsu's slippers silently sitting on the side.

"Where are my boys?" Matsuyo's voice was borderline screaming.

"Ichimatsu! Osomatsu!" She called for them.

Dekapan guided her inside. "Ichimatsu is resting. Hoeeeh. His fever had gone down a bit but he's still very weak. I suspect malnourishment. I gave him some medicine and put him on a drip."

"Take us to him." Matsuzo was a lot calmer.

They visited Ichimatsu first, where they found him resting inside a small room set up quite nicely for a personal clinic; but Matsuyo paid no attention to any of those things. The only one she saw in the room was her little boy resting on top of a bright white bed.

Matsuyo hurried to Ichimatsu's side. He had grown smaller compared to when he left the house, and the sight brought stray tears to her eyes. She touched his face and that caused him to stir. He was warm to the touch but not hot enough to cause panic.

"Mom…" Ichimatsu muttered as he slowly awaken.

"I'm here my dear. Also, look who else is here…" She turned to her husband and took the cat he had been carrying.

Ichimatsu stretched out his hand and the cat jumped towards him. He embraced the feline close to him and snuggled. The cat mewed while staying still under Ichimatsu's touch. Ichimatsu rubbed his face against its fur. He had missed the little one so much.

"Are you feeling ok?"

He nodded in response to her mother's question.

"Were you hurt?"

He shook his head. "Just got sick… and was hungry all the time."

"Don't worry then my little NEET, once you go back home you won't get sick nor hungry ever again..." Her mother spoke words of pure love and Ichimatsu realized how much he had missed for this even more than the cats.

"I'd like that."

.

.

.

"Mom..." he heard her calling his name downstairs.

Osomatsu smiled.

The sound of her voice was always so soothing to hear that even in his deepest of sleep he would come towards it. Though he laid in an unfamiliar bed, with unfamiliar smell, texture and noise; the mere utterance of his name on her lips made it feel like he was home.

He sat up. The nap wasn't enough for him to regain full strength and it was evident in the shaking of his arms when he placed his weight on it. He was still hungry and weak. However, his mother was there and how he wanted so much to see her.

He jumped up and ordered his legs to carry him towards the door. His heart was already full with anticipation to see her face.

"Where do you think you're going?"

An all too familiar voice said from behind him. His hands were already on the door when it stopped Osomatsu on his tracks.

He looked behind and confirmed that he was alone.

"You think you can easily escape." The voice said again and this time realization sunk in. He finally knew who that dreaded voice was and whatever little color he had recovered in his face vanished as terror sucked it away.

It was a voice he never thought he would hear outside his throat, a voice he never imagined would talk to him.

"No. Not you." Osomatsu said.

"Yes. It's me." Osomatsu said.

.

.

.

Ichimatsu was now sleeping with Matsuyo gently caressing his head, fingers brushing through his hair. She hummed a familiar lullaby that gave Ichimatsu a small contented smile in his sleep.

Matsuzo was listening to Dekapan as he explained the details behind the medicine and treatment he gave to Ichimatsu.

Matsuyo grazed a small peck on Ichimatsu's forehead. When she turned to the gentlemen, her eyes went back to that worried sick look she always wore for her eldest.

"Where is Osomatsu?"

Dekapan insisted that Osomatsu was alright during the whole time they were walking towards the upper floors. But no matter what kind of assurance he gave, Matsuyo still marched steadfast.

"He's also sleeping. He looked weak from hunger and from carrying Ichimatsu, but Osomatsu looked better than Ichimatsu."

Matsuyo did not care what he said though, she would rather confirm it herself. This was Osomatsu, and that boy was the best at pretending to be fine.

"But I did notice something odd about him—"

They were already near the room Dekapan gave to Osomatsu when Matsuyo heard some loud slamming on the walls.

"What was that?" Matsuzo asked.

"Hoeeh? It came from Osomatsu's room."

Matsuyo glanced at Matsuzo and the two instantly hastened towards the sound.

She was worried. She had always been worried about every single one of them. They all had been struggling as they were growing up; they all had troubles and anxieties that she could not understand. But all she could do was watch and wait for them to come to her.

Sadly, no one did.

She waited and waited. And just when she thought that they were finally making progress, that she could finally be at ease because her babies were standing on their own in the world, Ichimatsu left without a word and Osomatsu never spoke another.

The door swung open with Matsuyo leading the men inside the room.

She could still see it clearly within her mind; the day when all her hopes were crushed the moment she heard her eldest son spoke again.

"The invitational!" That was the only thing he spoke of with that empty smile plastered on his face and that soulless stare that looked back at her.

Matsuyo and Matsuzo spoke to him everyday. Sometimes he saw them, most of the time he did not. There were times that Osomatsu would eat with them but more frequently would he stop in middle of the meal and just stare at nothing.

He spoke to himself. He laughed to himself. He sunk down further and further inside himself until Matsuyo's voice could not reach him anymore.

Yes, she could remember it all as clear as day. The pain of seeing your child slip away from your fingers until he ignored your existence altogether. It was excruciating. She cried to her husband every single time.

But with Choromatsu, Karamatsu and Todomatsu back, everything went better. Osomatsu was coming back and all her prayers were answered one by one.

Just when it was getting better, she had to see this. Now, inside that room, the face she horribly remembered was the same deranged face he was making now.

Matsuyo, including the other two, were all shocked. Blood dripped from Osomatsu's messy fringes. The right side of his head was a bloody mess with scarlet blood running from his head and down until it joined the red of his clothes. The wall was also stained with spots of his blood and bruised skin.

He looked at them half-surprised and half-apologetic as if he was caught doing something as childish as merely drawing on the walls.

"I'm sorry Mom." Osomatsu apologized. "Just for a moment. I'll…"

He then pulled away from the wall and with all intention of hurting himself he slammed his head towards it.

"Osomatsu!" She tried to stop him.

"I'll just remove this pesky voice inside my head. Let me just — "

He was about to knock his head on the wall again only to be stopped by both his parents. Matsuzo ran behind him embracing the young man's body with firm arms while Matsuyo held on to her little boy's face with gentle hands.

"Stop it. Please Osomatsu, you're hurting yourself." His father said.

"No Dad. It's ok. It's just one last voice and as soon as I knock him out I can go back to normal…" Osomatsu's eyes showed certainty. He was utterly convinced that this was the solution.

Osomatsu then turned to his mother with a more forlorn eyes, "And… and… I want to be normal."

She could feel her heart squeezed inside of her. Her lips quivered in sadness and the pain pushed the tears to flow out of her eyes.

"Dayooonn." She suddenly heard from behind. Another person had entered the room.

"Hoeeeh you finally arrived."

Matsuyo's eyes stared at the white straight jacket that Dayon was holding as he walked towards them.

"When he arrived here Osomatsu seemed… unstable. I noticed that there seems to be some other things in his mind." Dekapan noted.

"Yes, we had him undergo therapy." Matsuyo answered honestly.

"So for now let's keep him under control."

"I agree." Matsuzo instantly answered.

Matsuyo looked at him with confusion, "What do you mean you agree? You can't just bind him."

"Don't worry madam, we'll give him something to calm him down. I think we should leave him alone for now until he can sort his inner demons."

Matsuzo pulled Matsuyo away from Dekapan and Osomatsu. Dayon started to put the jacket on him while Osomatsu thrashed and tried to pull away.

"No!" Matsuyo shouted.

"This is good for him, let them be."

"No. This is not." Matsuyo then struggled away from her husband and pushed the two men aside.

"Unlike all of us here who learned how to work with our demons alone, this child did not. Because unlike all of us this child had never experienced what 'alone' meant. He had never been alone ever since he was but a heartbeat…" Matsuyo furiously explained.

"and he would never want to be alone. He never knew solitude, he only learned loneliness."

Matsuyo looked at her husband, "Matsuzo can't you see? He needs us now. He's finally asking us for help. Do we abandon him now?"

Matsuzo clenched his fist, "No. But what do we do?"

Matsuyo looked at Dayon and back to Matsuzo, instantly the head of the Matsuno family charged Dayon and pulled him away from his son. Matsuyo took this opportunity to sit beside Osomatsu.

The young man looked at his mother with fear. Not because of the straight jacket, but because of the voice that he could still hear within him.

It was loud. It was more prominent than anything else around him, and it screamed of horrible things… things that Osomatsu did not want to admit about him.

"Mom… It's my voice mom. I'm talking to myself. It's not even Akumatsu. This is me!" Osomatsu shivered with fright. He was deathly afraid.

Matsuyo pulled out a towel and started to wipe the traces of blood on his face.

"Do you still hear him?"

"Yes." his voice shook.

"What is he saying?"

"That I'm— " he gulped, "useless. That no one needs me. That no one loves me."

Matsuyo embraced Osomatsu, almost crushing his bones with how tight her arms were around him.

"Even if you believe otherwise, I love you. Your father loves you. Every single one of your brothers loves you."

"But I am useless. A waste of space. I'm just a burden to all of you."

Matsuyo held Osomatsu's face between her hands and looked directly into her child's scared eyes. She sighed. So what if he was already in his twenties, this boy was still her little baby no matter how he aged.

"Do you believe that in what that voice is saying?"

"I don't know..."

"Do you believe in me?"

"Of course Mom." He answered without hesitation.

"Then listen to me. Listen to my voice. Only my voice." Matsuyo said authoritatively.

Osomatsu nodded.

"I know who you are even before you knew yourself. I gave birth to you, raised you and watched you all your life. True, I scold you for your faults, but even if there are so many of them… I will always love you. You are my son Osomatsu. Even if the world abandons you, even if you yourself let's you down… I will believe in you!"

"Even if I'm a shitty NEET?"

"Yes."

"Even if... " Osomatsu swallowed, "Even if I just waste money in gambling?"

"I believe you can at least win something. Yes."

Osomatsu's eyes sparkled with tears as he spoke. He had tried to swallow and to ignore it but the warmth in his mother's voice, the love he could see in her eyes and the sincerity in her acceptance had him slowly let go of the mask he had been wearing.

The bravado and grin were slowly washed off when a tear rolled from the corner of his eye.

"Even if I whine and act like a spoiled child?"

"I had spoiled you all your life… do you think I'll learn how to stop?"

Osomatsu started crying, "But Mom… don't… please don't. Don't get used to all that. That's just horrible. I am horrible."

"What can I do? I love you."

His heart felt all the love that emanated from this woman in front of him. He could not bear it and the tears just continuously flowed. All the hard work she did for him, all the trust she placed in him flashed before his eyes.

There was nothing else. No other voice. No other Osomatsu. Just him and Matsuyo. He felt like a child again, a lost child that just wanted to go home and embrace his mother… to feel that unselfish kindness, to feel that unconditional love, to feel that absolute trust.

Osomatsu embraced his mother and sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Please don't stop believing in me. I'm really trying… but it's just so hard. And my brothers… they left me alone."

"Your father and I were always with you. And your brothers… no matter where they may be will always be your brothers."

Osomatsu sniffled and Matsuyo wiped the tears from his eyes, but he kept on crying.

"When you needed them they came back and sacrificed their time and lives for you. Even if all of you live far far away from each other I know that in the end you'll all still be connected. That's what being sextuplets is all about."

Osomatsu nodded, he might found it hard to speak with all his crying but he agreed. He had seen it. He had felt it. His brothers came back for him. His brothers forgave him. Time and time again his brothers had shown him how much they loved him.

"You're never alone my dear little NEET."

'I know mom… I should know that. How could I have forgotten that?''

Matsuyo glanced at Matsuzo and saw the old man crying his heart out as well. He opened his arms wide and enveloped his son and wife. The two boys cried as Matsuyo cooed and patted their heads.

'Ah', she thought 'like father like sons.'

.

.

When the brothers arrived, they trampled down the door like a rushing stampede too wild for a four-man group.

Ichimatsu was already up when Jyushimatsu crushed him in an embrace that should never be done to a sick person. Choromatsu pulled Jyushimatsu away while Karamatsu started to ask Ichimatsu various questions including "what have you been eating?" "are you sleeping fine?" Todomatsu just stayed silently on the side wiping tears away from his eyes, he too was so happy to see Ichimatsu once more.

"Oh, guys." A voice instantly called everyone's attention. Slowly the five turned towards the door where the voice came from.

"What took all of you so long?" He said with a cheerful chuckle. Of course, it was none other than the shitty eldest brother they all loved.

His father and mother stood behind him. Words could not describe the happiness the parents felt to see all of their children inside the room.

Osomatsu slowly walked inside the room. He rubbed his nose and looked at each and everyone' s faces.

Choromatsu looked stressed as usual, but even more worried when he noticed the bandages wrapped around Osomatsu's head.

Todomatsu was on the verge of tears when Osomatsu looked at him. Osomatsu made sure he looked directly at Todomatsu longer than all the others. He wanted his youngest brother to know that he could see him clearly.

Karamatsu was crying, but he gave Osomatsu a smile when his older brother's eyes looked at him. Osomatsu knew that those tears were of joy.

Jyushimatsu's eyes sparkled when he saw his brother smiling. His heart could explode that moment out of happiness, if only he could make his smile larger, then he probably had.

Osomatsu's smile faded into a gentler one when he saw Ichimatsu. He was holding a cat once more and there were color on his cheeks. He looked cleaner and happier than when he found him.

The nights that Ichimatsu slept on the streets and scoured garbage for leftovers felt like a horrible nightmare as he looked around. He missed this feeling of comfort and security. He missed them, even being with Kusomatsu was not a bad idea… although he would never say that out loud.

Both Osomatsu and Ichimatsu knew that this was where belong, surrounded by family, by the smiling faces of their brothers by the love and affection of their parents.

"We're home Osomatsu-niisan."

Osomatsu stared at each of their eyes. He was not dreaming anymore. This was not a delusion.

All of them were really in front of him.

"Un." Osomatsu nodded, "Welcome back everyone."


	10. Chapter 10: He wrote a letter

_Dear everyone_

 _While I was writing this letter I can't help but think about everyone's faces. How much I worried you, how much I made you cry and how much pain I caused. It took me a while to accept it but even when I was out of it I still knew what was happening around me. I guess my mind just didn't want to think about it. Somehow, my therapist and I recovered most of those memories. They were not at all good and I was not proud of what I did. But it was something I had to accept._

 _Being alone scares me more than anything else, even just the silence of this empty house drove me to hide deep inside my mind. That was how terrified I was to be lonely. Before, I never had to feel that because of all of you. But as much as you all know that half of that fear was because that I would always want to be by your side, half of it was due to my selfishness._

 _What am I if not your brother? I had nothing else aside from being the eldest of the sextuplets. I had nothing to prove._

 _That emptiness scares me more than anything else._

 _However, what I did was far from solving the problem. I only worsened it. I was a coward and that fear had turned me into something I would now forever regret. It made me into something that wasn't even worth to be called a big brother. I just let the only thing I had to be lost. That was really pretty stupid of me._

 _I know I've said it a lot of times before, but I am so sorry. I am very sorry for all the pain I've caused. I'm sorry that I did not become your oniisan especially when you needed me to be the most._

* * *

Osomatsu's days began at night just when the neighborhood had quieted down with all its residents sleeping, the Matsuno household was no exception. But Osomatsu was starting a new habit where he would wake up at dawn, quietly leave the futon and go downstairs as silent as he possibly could.

It was during these wee hours of night when Todomatsu would come home and Osomatsu was making sure that when Todomatsu whispers, "I'm home" he'd be there to greet him "welcome back."

Osomatsu's sleepy smile still indicated lack of sleep, but Todomatsu could feel the warmth and sincerity behind it. Todomatsu might never admit it but all his fatigue and frustration would instantly vanish the minute he saw Osomatsu.

"Hey want to drink with me?" Osomatsu invited the younger.

Todomatsu pouted and asked if he could just sleep but Osomatsu knew that he just wanted to be wooed. In the end, Todomatsu agreed and the two drank whatever alcohol they had stored inside the fridge.

* * *

 _To Todomatsu, my one and only Totty. I know about all your sacrifices and you must know that oniisan is looking at you and oniisan can see you. I have always been worrying how to look cool in front of you until all I can see was myself … I've forgotten that I should be watching you as well. I'm sorry._

* * *

Todomatsu was not lightweight nor was he a talkative drunk, but somehow the drink was pushing him to talk. So when Osomatsu urged him with a simple "So how's work?" Todomatsu was more than eager to rant and badmouth his workmates at the cafe.

"Can you believe that guy? It's so fucking obvious he's hitting on her. And she's like 'oh but he's just nice.'" Todomatsu would easily change his voice to mimic the other person, making it easier for his older brother to imagine what his workmate was like. It might be his bias towards his brother, but Osomatsu concluded that the person was downright annoying.

"That's bull! No guy would be nice if there's no hidden motive. there's always a motive!" Osomatsu reacted half-drunk but still in a whispering voice.

"I know right. We all know you want to fuck her, you don't have to act all high and mighty about it."

"Maybe I should visit your workplace again.. let's show everyone that guy's true color."

"On other occasions I would decline that offer but at this moment that sounds like a good idea."

The two then laughed, still in the quiet of their voices so as to not wake the sleeping members of the house.

Even when his laughter ran out, Todomatsu was still smiling at his older brother. They were having fun — they were talking like normal again. The sessions and medication still continued and there were days that Osomatsu would revert and go back to the lifeless shell he was whenever he's off in his own world. Todomatsu was with Osomatsu even before Choromatsu could get their eldest brother a therapist, so Todomatsu knew for a fact that those moments had become more seldom now and the amount of time that he was stuck was declining.

Slowly, Osomatsu was recovering. He had won the greater war but the long way home still consisted of smaller battles. It was just good to know that Osomatsu was not alone in these fights.

* * *

 _Thank you for the patience and your faith in me. I want you to understand that one of the greatest things I could be thankful for was the fact that you have been born to be my little brother. Thank you for existing._

* * *

"I'll go on ahead, oniisan." Todomatsu said, standing from his seat feeling the night deepening by the minute.

"The hallway's dark." Osomatsu stood up too. "Let's go back together, Totty."

Todomatsu clung to his brother's arm, pretending to be drunk. "Ah. I think I can't walk straight anymore. Carry me, niisan."

Osomatsu was happier to oblige, "you're sly."

Todomatsu giggled softly. "I learned from the best."

* * *

 _To Karamatsu, the person who woke me up from all this stupidity. I swear, you shine brighter than any of your painfully sparkling outfits… that's why don't ever let this world dim your unique light. No matter who or what you want to be I just want to let you know that I'd be there to support you and to tease you about it. No one else should mock you, it's a right only I and all our younger brothers share. If they dare, you can bet I will do something about it. I am your older brother and I'll always have your back._

* * *

It was less than an hour after Todomatsu went to sleep that Karamatsu would get up and begin his day. Osomatsu was already lying in bed when he woke up again due to the slight noise and small commotion around the room.

"Sorry about that. Was I loud?" Karamatsu whispered an apology.

Osomatsu and Karamatsu checked the younger brothers that still slept, Ichimatsu and Todomatsu, when there was no sign that their sleep was disturbed Osomatsu shook his head in reply.

Karamatsu was already in his corporate suit, his hair was combed back and his sunglasses hanging from his pocket. Osomatsu looked particularly at the sunglasses and was slightly happy to see it out instead of hidden in his bag.

Karamatsu finally found work. An old friend of their father got in touch with Matsuzo after a long time, and told them that they have some opening at their company. Matsuzo instantly suggested this to Karamatsu. A few interviews and exams later and Karamatsu was hired.

Karamatsu turned to Osomatsu and the older looked at him. Osomatsu watched Karamatsu as the latter whipped out his sunglasses and posed in front of the older.

"What do you think burahzaa?" Karamatsu asked.

"Painful." Osomatsu answered while holding himself from laughing out loud.

* * *

 _For the person who could stand up and actually bring me to my senses, thank you very much. I know that we always give you crap but you love us anyway. It's pretty admirable, but I'm really sorry for everything._

* * *

"It's your first day. Are you scared?" The answer was plain as day even before Osomatsu could ask. The hesitation in his stance, the cold sweat from his brow and shaking of his hand.

"Terrified." Karamatsu's voice sounded like he was about to cry.

Osomatsu rubbed his nose, "don't worry you'll scare them with your style first. You can do this… I mean… if it's you I **know** you can."

Karamatsu felt tears on the corner of his eyes. "Ok. Wish me luck brother. I'll be going now."

When the ever dramatic and poetic Karamatsu had found it hard to think of the right words to say, he bowed down in front of his older brother, tears in his eyes and renewed determination in his heart.

* * *

 _I have so many things I need to thank you for, but most of all thank you for showing me that even if I've given up on myself there are still people that won't give up on me. **You will never give up on me.** Thank you for not letting me die that night. Thank you for shedding your tears for me and for giving me strength. Thank you for letting me be your oniisan._

* * *

It was almost lunchtime when Osomatsu woke up, usually Ichimatsu would wake up the same time as him but most of the time he sleeps in. Today Ichimatsu was already awake before his older brother.

Osomatsu has a session scheduled today and usually he has Ichimatsu or their mother to accompany him. Ichimatsu might looked like he would rather be at home but in reality he was more eager.

Ichimatsu and Osomatsu then set up to go out of the house it was just right too since Todomatsu needs all the quiet in order to sleep.

Most of Osomatsu's day would be spent on his session, during that time Ichimatsu would stay somewhere in the clinic or go outside to play with the resident cats. Whether Ichimatsu would wander off or stay Osomatsu could always expect that that Ichimatsu would be waiting for him outside.

* * *

 _To Ichimatsu, thank you for making me realize that home can be anywhere. Whether inside a house or even in a dark alley, just as long as we're together it can be as warm as home. That is why I am so sorry for taking your home away from you and driving you away. It was just the two of us back then and I should have been strong enough for the both of us, but instead I chose to be weak. I am so selfish and I had no idea how much you were suffering. I am so sorry._

* * *

Just some time ago Osomatsu realized how he did not know anything about his brothers but now he was playing with Ichimatsu and his cats. Though maybe asking him about the cat transformation was still too early. Osomatsu was not in a hurry though, he intended to stay beside him until Ichimatsu could freely talk to him about it.

They went home by twilight, two Matsuno walking home in comfortable silence. Osomatsu could not believe he could have this again. The peaceful imagery of Ichimatsu holding a cat while he hummed happily as he walked was something he could only have in his delusion.

But he was so certain this was real, although sometimes he still needed to call Ichimatsu and pat his head just to make sure.

"Osomatsu-niisan! Ichimatsu-niisan!" It was a voice that they knew from a mile away.

The two looked behind them and expected to see their younger brother who was happily bouncing in his bright yellow clothes, his sleeves flailing and the sunset was bright orange behind him. He shined like the sun with a smile as radiant.

* * *

 _To Jyushimatsu, it hurts me so much to see you hurt or cry. I'd fight anyone or turn the world upside down just to get your smile back._

* * *

Jyushimatsu still lived with Dekapan with his workplace too far from home. But this weekend was one of those weekends where everyone finally had the day off, so they all decided that they'll go home and get together.

Osomatsu asked about Hatabou and was actually glad that Jyushimatsu had someone with him there. At the very least his brother would not be lonely.

"So… how's your..." Ichimatsu asked, in the middle of wanting to know the answer and fearing to ask the question.

Jyushimatsu held out his hand and happily showed it to his older brothers as if he needed to prove something. The cast was already removed and he could move his arms and fingers now.

"I'm fine now! We could even play baseball!" Jyushimatsu said following the line with his usual chant, "Muscle muscle, hustle hustle!"

Osomatsu smiled weakly as Jyushimatsu bounced around them. The youngest of the three knew how worried these two were for him so he was bouncier than normal.

Osomatsu stretched out his hand and easily timed it to land on Jyushimatsu's head. He rubbed his hair slightly and breathed out a grin, "Baseball sounds amazing. Next time when we're all not busy?"

* * *

 _I want you to know that I am so so so sorry for hurting you like that. You are my most precious sunshine and I want you to always smile. I am so sorry._

* * *

They arrived home with Osomatsu leading the two with random conversation and a chain of topics that would either gross out or confuse a passerby. Jyushimatsu was laughing too loud and Ichimatsu chuckled softly.

"We're home!" Jyushimatsu shouted on the top of his lungs while the others' voice lagged behind him.

"Welcome back you guys." Karamatsu greeted them. "Just in time too, Choromatsu's already here."

Osomatsu felt something stuck in his throat that he had to breathe out in order to continue walking. He knew exactly why he hesitated like that: Choromatsu was already here.

* * *

 _To Choromatsu, I am so sorry for disappointing you..._

* * *

Choromatsu ranted about his work and the boss he had on his new team. The others just laughed. After a long time the house was lively and rowdy again with the six boys all together. It was music to Osomatsu's ears.

"I swear. That woman is scary."

"Who is this again?" Todomatsu got lost for a minute because of checking his phone.

"Osoko-san! She acts like a neesan type but she's an S! Especially when you're on a project with her. She's a slave driver."

"You're just picky… at least she notices you." Ichimatsu grumbled, given normal circumstances no woman would even look at them.

"I think the woman just wants to test you burazah. Once you tame the tempest winds you will see the greenness of the field."

"I don't care about any other fields, I'd want to water her field any day. Set us with mixer Choromatsu!" Osomatsu suggested with vigor.

"Yeah. I think she's kinda cool. I want to meet her." Jyushimatsu added.

"NO. What the fuck guys, she's my superior." Choromatsu tried to stop them from making anymore weird thoughts, but just seeing their eyes he knew it was a lost cause.

"Boo. You just want to have her all for yourself. I bet you fap to her in your place." Osomatsu said, confirming Choromatsu's fears.

"That's disgusting." Ichimatsu darkly spat the words out.

"She's your boss." Todomatsu said looking horrified.

"How could you." Karamatsu added, disgusted.

"Pervert." Jyushimatsu said plainly pointing out the obvious.

"STOP IT! I don't do that ok? That's so disgusting. I know that there are a lot of pretty women in our office but most of them are in other departments. Osoko-san must be the most attractive one in our department but that woman's a beast so I won't even think of trying to tap that. Wait. Maybe one of her friends… I'm not a stalker ok? But I saw her friends with her once in a cafe and they were all pretty… but then again just as long as they're girls they're already pretty for me." Choromatsu ranted in just one or two breaths without even giving a chance to others to comment.

"...besides you don't even know what I'm doing because I live alone." Choromatsu said in a burst.

On the last line though the smirks on his brothers faces all vanished and instantly Choromatsu had to cover his mouth. He just had started the topic he was avoiding all night — the fact that he did not live there anymore.

"That's right. You live alone. So we may never know." Osomatsu's smile was still there despite what had been said.

* * *

 _I know you can do it. I've always known, I was just afraid that someday you will be too far away for me to even catch up to. I'm not someone that anyone can be proud of. I'm like stinky underwear or some heavy baggage that's actually just trash… or even just a spectre of your rotten childhood. So I knew that you'd never spare a thought and leave me._

* * *

But when you came back for me, I know that I was just overthinking and somehow I learned that I was too selfish to even have these thoughts.

Because at the end of the day, no matter what happens you still consider me your brother and you would be willing to look and run back to me when I needed you.

That. That proved to me that distance meant nothing for us.

The eldest Matsuno looked around and saw the faces of his brothers. They all looked worried and unsure of what to say next. It wasn't as bad as Osomatsu had seen before but it still brought a pang of pain inside his heart.

"It's alright you guys. Stop that and let's continue bashing Chorofappsky here." Osomatsu could clearly imagine himself trying to pull the lever in order to bring their train of thoughts back to the tracks with a lighter topic.

He too didn't want to go there.

"It's not like I didn't want to move in. Dad can go home every night so I could too…" Choromatsu answered though.

Osomatsu sighed. ' Yep , we'll go there.'

* * *

 _Honestly I may be a little bit envious of you, but more than that I am very proud of you. Despite being a shitty excuse of a brother by being someone that constantly pulled you down, you still managed to pull away from this curse and actually make something out of yourself. I could not begin to explain how awesome that is. I am and will always be so proud of you._

* * *

"I understand Choromatsu. You still have so many things to do and living here is not part of it… I really understand it this time so you guys shouldn't worry about it anymore."

Osomatsu then remembered something. A letter that he had written before but was unsure if he would give to them. Since they already were here and they are all together, maybe this was the right time.

"Actually… since we're already on the subject..." Osomatsu handed out the letter, rubbing his nose and grinning to all of them.

It was Choromatsu who carefully took the letter from his hands.

They all looked confused, no one knew of that letter, not even the ones who already lived here.

"I didn't make a copy so someone can just read it aloud for everyone." Osomatsu said, "but if it's not too much to ask then maybe you could read it when I'm out of the room?"

* * *

 _Everyone, a single letter is not suitable to thank and apologize for everything, so I'll live and continue thanking and apologizing until it becomes acceptable. But I'm afraid that oniichan is a weak man and I don't really like the whole idea of growing up… so please have more patience with me… I'll be doing my best but I'd really like it if you support me. That doesn't mean that you have to stay with me though, I learned that thirty sessions ago, but just letting me know that I can rely on you guys and that I actually have someone to hold on to when I start to slip would be more than enough._

 _Your stupid oniisan,_

 _Osomatsu_

* * *

Osomatsu pouted, his face red as a tomato while Choromatsu read his letter out loud. His brothers actually playfully tied the eldest up in order for him to not be able to run away from this whole thing.

It was harsh, but Osomatsu just let them do that. He was quite curious about their reaction as well, but after hearing the words he wrote down he was embarrassed as hell.

"STOP IT! THERE. IT'S DONE!" Osomatsu shouted, "can someone untie me now?!"

Choromatsu sat in silence, the finished letter was still in his hand. Choromatsu as well as the others were all so silent after he read the last word. Their backs were turned towards Osomatsu and just left the eldest behind them protesting and dying in shame.

Osomatsu then started to hear someone sniff.

"What … the fuck … was that." It was Ichimatsu whose voice broke with every word.

Osomatsu looked down as his chin sunk closer to his body. "My therapist told me to do this, ok? Maaaan, this is really embarrassing. I should've just threw it away or burn it or something."

"No!" Choromatsu stood up and looked at Osomatsu, clutching the letter in his hand.

"This is… long overdue Osomatsu-niisan! I've been waiting for this the whole time. I was really patient so you can't take this away anymore." Choromatsu's tears easily flowed out of his eyes as if he'd been holding it in the whole time.

Osomatsu chuckled, "I guess. I'm sorry about that."

The other brothers were also crying now. Karamatsu had to put on his sunglasses in order to conceal his eyes but the tears were obvious. He tried to bite his lips but his whimpers escape when he breathes.

"You think we appreciate this? Do you think we like this!" Todomatsu's voice also trembled and was starting to get pitchy. "You idiot! Even if you make a hundred mistakes we'll forgive you a hundred and ten times! You don't even have to say sorry..."

Todomatsu slumped his head on Osomatsu's shoulder and continued to cry. Osomatsu, since he was tied up, could only lean on his little brother and brush his cheeks on his hair a bit.

The eldest then felt a pair of arms enveloping him in an embrace. Just one look at the yellow garb and Osomatsu knew that Jyushimatsu had followed the youngest's lead. Osomatsu wanted to embrace him back but all he could do was look up at his younger brother's face and smile. He could clearly see how Jyushimatsu was holding back the tears. It must be because of what he said in the letter.

"I'm not crying Osomatsu-niisan! I'm not crying, see! So don't say sad things anymore. Please!" Jyushimatsu was almost shouting.

"It's ok Jyushimatsu. I know you're happy. I'm happy t— " Osomatsu's voice broke a bit at the end so he had to stop. He did not really want to cry now.

Ichimatsu finally untied Osomatsu and now he was able to embrace the two youngest sextuplets crying near him. Ichimatsu joined in shortly squeezing between Jyushimatsu and Osomatsu and just burying his face on the eldest chest.

"You don't have to act cool in front of us Osomatsu-niisan." Karamatsu said when he noticed his older brother's voice. By showing how true he was with what he said, he removed his sunglasses and continued to wipe the unstopping tears.

Osomatsu grinned and rubbed his nose. His eyes were becoming warmer now and his eyes were starting to water. He knew he was holding it in the whole time but slowly he began to let the tears escape.

He too had started to cry.

It was a heartwarming scene that made their parents' heart melt. The tears were real and the emotions were something they always thought were too embarrassing to convey, but at this moment they did not care.

"Osomatsu-nii….wa…..ke… wake up." Out from the mesh of sounds of sobbing, Osomatsu heard another voice.

"He's cr…he's crying ..somatsu-niisan..." The other voices were warped and hard to discern, like voices you hear when you're underwater

"Osomatsu-niisan! Wake up please!"

Osomatsu looked up due to the sound of urgency in the voice. He looked around and saw his brothers still crying around him.

"Todomatsu, did you say something?"

Todomatsu looked up with eyes red and still wet. "Nothing… just that you're an idiot because I know my eyes would be puffy as hell tomorrow."

Osomatsu just laughed, "I see. I thought I heard someone."

Karamatsu looked alarmed at the thought, "Is there anything wrong nisan? Do you need your medicine?"

Osomatsu just can't help but be glad with that reaction, "It's ok. I'm fine."

Osomatsu had learned a lot of things because of everything that had happened, even more than the letter could convey. He finally learned that being alone did not have to mean that you're lonely. Sometimes solitude could make one's presence shine brighter than it could ever be before. He had learned that he needed to trust his brothers and not to let his selfishness ruin them as well. He had realized how much his brothers truly loved him.

It may be that there were still lingering voices inside his head, but he knew that someday he'll be able to banish it all. He did not really know when he'll be completely ok but because he had his brothers he knew he did not need to hurry nor to worry about tomorrow.

As he embraced his younger brothers, Osomatsu looked at the letter he wrote on top of the table and smiled. This time, he was glad that this letter did not burn.

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-END-

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You've reached the end of the story! Congrats!

I really am thankful that you've come and read my story, I hope you enjoyed the feels ride with me. For all the kudos and kind words, thank you so much. I hope I get to see all of you in my other works too. This was really just a oneshot, an idea I had one morning but somehow working on it and thinking about it was fun as well as painful (I cried a lot in public because of this) and I just had to continue. I never really thought I'd be able to share this with a lot of people. So THANK YOU EVERYONE!

This story was originally written in Ao3 so the format might be a little different there and all the small notes while writing each chapter could also be found there. It's the same story with the same title under the name "mici_micelle". Content-wise it should be identical but I uploaded it on Ao3 first before copying here. I guess that will be the trend of all my other fanfics from now on.

Finally...

Thank you to everyone who commented, your beautiful words are music to my heart. You don't know how much they encouraged me. I am overwhelmed by your kindness. THANK YOU.

Thank you to everyone who left a kudos. I appreciate each and everyone of you guys. Thank you for letting me know that there are people out there that actually like the shit I do.

And the readers... of course... thank you THANK YOU very much for reading this story. I really hope you enjoyed it as much as I loved writing each and every word it. The times I was hurt and cried over these brothers made it feel like it's normal because I get to share it with all of you.

Thank you.


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